Frustrated

Today I am just so frustrated. I need to vent and have no one to vent to, so if you don't want to hear it, don't read this.

I'm frustrated that after 16 painful months of infertility I finally got pregnant just to lose this baby for no apparent reason. I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

I'm frustrated that once again I have to go through the pain of the grief process when I had just barely gotten to a place of acceptance with Gabriel's death. I will never "get over" losing Gabe, but I feel okay with it now. Why now, when things were finally starting to feel "normal" again?

I'm frustrated that I still feel pregnant....with daily headaches and nausea.....and my pregnancy hormones haven't gone down enough that I'm still getting positive pregnancy tests. It's pretty dang miserable to have to take a weekly pregnancy test knowing that your baby is dead but your body isn't getting the message yet.

I'm frustrated that I had to go through an entire first trimester full of feeling yucky and miserable, thinking once again, that it would all be worth it.

I'm frustrated that I cancelled my girls' Disneyland trip that we'd planned forever because I found out a week after booking it that I was pregnant and didn't want to risk anything happening to the baby....only to lose this baby anyway....the week that the girls' trip was over.

I'm frustrated that our camping trip to Kodachrome was cancelled because I was miscarrying. We have been wanting to go there for a long time and were so excited about going.

I'm frustrated that Ben and I can't go on a 15th Anniversary trip that we've been planning forever because he used up all of his time off helping me through my miscarriage...and we used all our money to bury our baby because we didn't want to have regrets this time.

I'm frustrated that in the last two years I've been pregnant for 9 months and have nothing to show for it.

I'm frustrated that people that complain about being pregnant or don't want and resent their babies, get them. I wanted my babies so badly.

I'm frustrated that in the last month since losing our little baby, about a million friends have had their babies, including so many rainbow babies, join their family safely. I'm happy for them, but wonder why that couldn't have been us this time.

I'm frustrated that I'm jealous. I hate being jealous. I know it's wrong. I know it's a commandment. I'm trying so hard to not have these feelings. I'm trying to be happy for others. I'm trying to be charitable. I'm not perfect though....far from it. I've never wanted a fancy house or a nice car....all I've wanted is to be a mom....and all I want is to hold my babies, all of my babies, just like everyone else gets to.

I'm frustrated that my birthday is now ruined forever. Who gets a miscarriage for their birthday? Ugh.

I'm frustrated that once again, our Christmas baby is gone. My kids were so excited that we'd have a new baby for the Christmas nativity this year. It's Skylar's turn to be Mary and she was so happy she'd get to hold a real baby instead of a doll. It will be another Christmas season filled with ache and hurt.

I'm frustrated that I thought for some reason that this baby's due date, my grandma's birthday, December 3, meant that she was pulling some strings on the other side for me. I thought that seemed so much like my grandma who absolutely loved her birthday and would want it celebrated. Now, it will just be a painful day missing both my grandma and the baby that was due that day.

I'm frustrated that I can't sleep at night because of the incredible hurt that I feel. I'm completely physically and emotionally exhausted all of the time. My mind won't stop wondering why this is all happening....again?

I'm frustrated that just a few months ago I was promised in a priesthood blessing that I would have more children to raise here on earth....and I trusted that and put so much hope into this pregnancy. I know that doesn't necessarily mean I won't have more, but I also know too well that not all promises come the way we expect them, even if we are promised that in a blessing.

I'm frustrated that this is my third loss in a row. That means expensive testing and bloodwork if we want to try again....even though those may not have any answers. The doctors don't know why this is happening since there's no pattern to my losses. It doesn't make any sense to them....or me.

I'm frustrated that I've already been told by people that I should move on and give up trying for another baby. I've had people tell me it's time to accept that we can't have more...or that maybe we could adopt (which isn't an option right now), but my doctor tells me that he sees no reason why I can't have more. I feel like my body failed me enough without having people tell me that they think I'm damaged too.

I'm frustrated that I'm so depressed that getting out of bed in the morning feels like climbing to the top of a freaking mountain and simple tasks seem like so much. I wish no one would expect anything out of me right now and yet they do because no one understands just how awful this is to me.

I'm frustrated that we've had so many trials in the last few years, along with losing three pregnancies, along with losing two fully formed babies that we had grown to love. It just seems like too much. I need a break in the worst way.

I'm frustrated that just a month ago at my YW Presidency meeting, we were making plans to accommodate me being pregnant at girl's camp and now at today's meeting....nothing. It's all over....yet I'm still going to have to go and keep my chin up for those girls that I know are watching me. I love serving in Young Women, but it's hard to feel like I have to be an example when I feel like I'm barely making it.

I'm frustrated that no one knows what to say to me, but I'm thankful for those that will at least say something. I'm frustrated about all the awkwardness that this creates for me and others. I feel like the big giant elephant in the room.

I'm frustrated that even the friends that were there for me before are almost non-existent this time. I'm sure it's frustrating for them to think of going through this with me again. I feel so lonely.

I'm frustrated that I really don't have anyone that I can truly talk to who understands this....who has been through three losses in a row, all different, and without answers....who has felt the sting of infertility mixed in with all of it too. Ben is wonderful, but it's not the same for him. The only one who truly understands is the Savior and yet it's not like I can just sit down and have a conversation with Him.

I'm frustrated that Ben is carrying such a burden through all of this. He's been so great but I know this is so hard on him. He's grieving too, but no one asks him how he is. He's the one that has to be strong because I can't be. I love him more and more every day for being by my side through this.

 I'm frustrated that my kids are having the worst summer ever because they have a mom that is so depressed and also still going through all of the physical things of a miscarriage which limits so much of what I feel we can do.

I'm frustrated that I have kids come to me with aching hearts and questions that can't be answered because they don't understand God's plan for our family. I don't understand it either. I know He has a plan for us though....and that plan includes happiness....someday.

 I'm frustrated that I allowed myself to already make plans, hopes, and dreams for our little Reese that will never be fulfilled. I will still remember all the milestones he would've had. I think about them every day with Gabriel. Now I have two babies that will never get to do the things I hoped for them.

I'm frustrated that I once again am afraid to make plans....for tomorrow, for next week, for next year, because my plans don't seem to work out anymore and hurts to be disappointed over and over again.  I feel so lost without any direction of what I'm supposed to do next.

I'm frustrated that I feel awkward talking about Reese, because so many people don't think of him as a baby. He is my baby. I saw his body moving on an ultrasound, so full of life and I know his little spirit was there. I held his perfect teeny little body in my hand and even though his spirit was gone, I think he counts, Ben thinks he counts, and our kids think he counts, even if so many don't. I guess that's all that really matters.

I'm just frustrated that there are no answers....in this life...and the next seems so very, very far away. I miss my babies so, so much.....and even though I know I can do hard things, it's frustrating that I have to.