Another Precious Baby....Gone Too Soon

This wasn't the post I expected to be writing this week. We had all the faith in the world that this announcement would be so wonderful....that our long awaited, fasted and prayed for, ached and longed for, precious rainbow baby was finally on the way. We had already made the announcement to our family and friends at Nick's baptism a few weeks ago. We had shown everyone our baby's first picture from the ultrasound we had a few weeks ago....where our baby's heart was beating so strong and those tiny little arms were waving at us. We had already fallen so in love with this baby.....and now he's already gone.

   On May 23, I was about 12 1/2 weeks. I was spotting a little. It scared me to death. I called the nurse but she told me it wasn't a big deal, that it was pretty common at 12 weeks to bleed a little as my uterus got bigger. I already had an appointment the next morning so she said I'd be fine to wait until then to come in to the Dr. I was still worried. I still couldn't sleep. Ben gave me a blessing and in the blessing he blessed that if it was the Lord's will that this baby would be okay...but if not that we'd be able to accept His plan for our family.

    The baby was not okay. Once again, there was no heartbeat. The Dr. couldn't find it with the Doppler or the portable ultrasound machine. He sent us down to the Provo office to check and still...no heartbeat...and our baby that had been so active just weeks before was laying so still. The doctor there was baffled. There was no sign of blood around the baby, which they said is common if something is wrong with the mother's body, and no apparent reason that our baby was gone. The baby had just stopped developing. His little heart had just stopped beating. The Dr. told us that once you get a good heartbeat on an ultrasound that usually there isn't a problem. My Dr. had told me that my chances with this baby being fine were so good, especially since Gabriel's death was a cord accident, which is so rare. I still did everything right with this baby, taking extra precautions and not risking anything, and I don't know why my body failed it. With the baby being so little, we would never get the answers we did with Gabriel. The Dr. wanted me to go in for a D&C the next morning....but when I told him that it was my birthday.....he decided maybe it wasn't the best day. Not that it would've mattered. This birthday was already going to be the most horrible of my life.

      I started bleeding almost as soon as we got home. The Dr. just told us to watch it and let him know. They suggested that since I was so far along that a D&C would be much better than having a natural miscarriage, like I'd done with my early miscarriage a few months ago. As long as the bleeding was okay, I'd just be scheduled for the D&C for the Tuesday after the holiday weekend. So I headed to bed to wait....once again feeling so helpless.

    The kids got home from school and we knew we had to tell them that once again we were losing a baby they had already grown to love and wanted so much. That has to be one of the hardest conversations to have with your children....and here we were again. Skylar and Nick just sobbed and sobbed. Ben and I sobbed right along with them. Kade was Kade. He always tries to be strong. He doesn't want us to know he's hurt, but he is. His kindergarten teacher had told me that he had told his entire class about this baby and was so proud. He couldn't hide his look of disappointment. Alexis's reaction was the one we weren't expecting. It's hard to see your 3 year old understand exactly what it means when you tell them that a baby has died. She already knows that reality too well and she was angry. She screamed and yelled and threw pillows. She wouldn't look at me or come near me for the first two days and has been angry about everything since. The baby that she was once again promised is once again gone and I know I've disappointed her. She wants nothing more than having a little baby in our house and had been so excited. My heart is so broken for my little ones and their disappointed hearts.

    The next day was my birthday. I tried so hard to make it through my birthday and let Ben, my little ones, and all of the people that love us have a chance to love me and celebrate even though I had no desire to celebrate at all. I really felt so loved that day. Ben had told our parents and had sent out an e-mail to the ward council and I had texted the friends that knew about our baby. Word spread fast and visitors came by with hugs and tears too. I'm so thankful for those that could cry and hurt with us. Of course no one knows what to say. One loss is horrible, but this is just getting unbearable...and I don't expect or even want any wise words of wisdom....just a simple "I'm sorry" means so much right now. After getting tons of texts and messages to have a "fabulous day!" Ben finally put the news on Facebook so that maybe people would see that maybe it wasn't the most happiest of birthdays for me. Our doorbell rang almost constantly and food, cards, gifts, and flowers showed up....even some were planted in our garden. I didn't see everyone that came. I just didn't have the energy, but thank you to everyone that made an effort to let us know you care. We realized once again that in our heartbreak, we were still so blessed to be loved by so many.

       We had planned to go camping that weekend at Kodachrome State Park for my birthday and Memorial Day. Since we didn't get to do that, I still wanted the kids to get to go out for my annual birthday dinner at Tucano's. We went and it was hard. It was hard to see so many happy people and have to fake that everything was just normal when everything was so not normal. I broke down crying in the restaurant a few times, but I survived. The kids wanted it to be a happy birthday for me but that was hard. I was worn out after we ate and headed back to bed. It wasn't the best birthday.

      On Saturday I have to admit that I was mad. I was so mad. I was angry that we had to do this again. I was angry that I had put faith and allowed myself to hope in this pregnancy. I was angry that we had waited so long to even get pregnant, 16 months, only to have this baby taken away too. I was angry that my children and my husband and I had to go through this heartache again. Our bishop came over that night and talked to us and I told him just how angry I was. He told me he was angry too...that he had wanted us to have this baby too....and assured me that our Heavenly Father can handle it. I am so thankful that he came over. Ben and the bishop reminded me of all that I have learned since losing Gabriel. They reminded me that I'm not a horrible person to be feeling what I am but they also reminded me that since I've learned so much that I can apply that now instead of having to start from the beginning. I know that the emotional part of losing this baby is going to far outlast the physical part. But I know that I'll be able to get through the shock, the anger, the jealousy, the loneliness, the depression. I can do it because I know that I've done it before. I know that I can depend on the Savior now more than ever and that He knows my pains and will be here, even when I feel alone, because He's helped me through it before. I guess this is another blessing of losing Gabriel. I know that I can face it again and come out stronger than I was before.

      By Saturday night I was feeling pretty miserable physically and it was pretty clear that my body wasn't going to make it until Tuesday for the D&C. The Dr. had prescribed me pain pills and meds to help with the bleeding, and instructed us to go to the ER if there were any problems. He still felt that I might need a D&C even if I did go naturally since my pregnancy was further along. On Sunday, the day I would have been 13 weeks, the real labor pains kicked in. Ben took the kids to church, but kept checking on me while he was there. I was thankful that the worst didn't happen until he was home because this was one of the scariest and most painful things I've ever had to go through. Right before the baby passed I felt this incredible sense of peace and the pain seemed to disappear for a few minutes, which was amazing because it was so intense. I am so thankful for that peace that came right before my teeny little baby was born. We had another perfectly formed, yet so tiny and still, little baby boy. I knew it would be hard to tell when they are so tiny but I had felt he was a boy for most of my pregnancy (my boys' pregnancies are riddled with nausea, but no vomiting, and awful migraines...all of which I had the entire time....all of which I welcomed because I knew it was worth it) and he really looked like a little boy. Although it might have been easier to have the D&C it was also very humbling, once again, to see this perfectly formed little baby, and to marvel at just how amazing and perfect creation is...even when so very tiny. He had the sweetest little hands, with all 10 fingers perfectly formed. I just marveled at his little hands and how precious they were. We now have two little boys in heaven waiting for us. The family I always wanted....2 girls and 4 boys....mine forever...but so different than I had always thought it would be. How I miss my precious baby boys.

      We named our sweet baby boy Reese Aaron Jordan. It took us awhile to come up with the perfect name, like always, but we put a lot of thought and prayer into the decision. When I was barely pregnant with Reese and our kids had no clue that I was, Alexis announced to me that I had our Rainbow Reese in my tummy. She had a girl in her dance class named Reese and had fallen in love with the name....a name I'd always loved anyway, but for a boy. It's also a family name on my dad's side of the family, although the Welsh spelling is Rhys. Alexis has called the baby Rainbow Reese the entire time and we knew that was his name. Even though he didn't get to stay and be our rainbow baby, he did bring us so much joy and happiness while he was here. Reese means enthusiasm, which is just perfect, because of the enthusiasm he brought to our family. Aaron means exalted and mountain of strength. I like the meaning because it also goes along with Gabriel, which means God is our strength. Our little boys will help us have the strength to go through this life without them until we can be with them again. Aaron was also Moses' brother and a man of God, as well as a great missionary in the Book of Mormon. I know that our little Reese Aaron has fulfilled his earthly mission and is now busy with the missionary work on the other side that is greatly needed too, and as much as I needed him here, I know that he's doing what he's meant to do.

 The kids have already talked about how wonderful it is to have two angels to watch over us now. We have already felt a lot of peace, although we are all still aching incredibly. It isn't how we wanted it to be, but I already know what a gift it is to have someone you love so much on the other side. We have a sign in our house that says "When someone you love is in heaven, you feel heaven in your home." I know that's true. I know the veil is thin and that our babies will be here with us too, even if we can't see them or hold them for now. The fear of the overwhelming grief lasting forever isn't here this time. Now that we've been able to survive Gabe's loss, I know we can survive this. I already know that this baby will continue to be an important part of our family. I know he'll be by our sides when we need him. There is so much peace in having that knowledge already.  Our family is forever and we are so very blessed to know that.

     At the very beginning of this pregnancy I asked a friend of mine, one who has survived three losses herself, how you could survive the fear of pregnancy after a loss, after multiples losses. She gave me the most amazing advice. She said, "You just love that baby every single moment that you get to have the baby. You let the love outweigh the fear. If you only get the baby for a few weeks, then you will have spent the entire time you had the baby loving it instead of being scared." That's exactly what we did. We loved this baby from the moment we knew he was coming. He was cradled in my tummy each night by Ben. Once the kids knew, he was kissed and hugged a hundred times a day from my kids. I could barely move anywhere without one of them rubbing my belly and telling the baby how loved he was. He was prayed for in every single prayer, that he would be safe and he would be okay....and even though those prayers were answered differently than we expected, we know that he is safe and he is okay. Most importantly, we know that we loved him for every second we had him...and that love is not gone. He is forever our baby and he is forever loved.