GratiTuesday

Honestly, the last few weeks  have been the most depressing of my life. I feel so defeated, so abandoned, so hopeless, so forgotten, and truly just so unloved. I have wondered how the Lord could put me through the trial of losing yet another baby, especially after waiting so very long to even get our little Reese here. I have struggled to get out of bed every day and face another day full of pain and hopelessness. The days that I have managed it, after pleading in my prayers for the strength to even do it, I just longingly wait for the time I can crawl back into bed again, even though I know that sleep will still elude me as I can't stop thinking of the blessings that seem to be being withheld for reasons I can't begin to understand.

Last night, as I climbed into bed right after my kids had climbed in theirs, exhausted from trying for another day, I turned to the gospel for something to help ease the pain. As I read in the May conference issue, I reread Henry B. Eyring's message, Mountains to Climb. I read about having the foundation to endure our trials and adversity as it comes to us and I am thankful to that I have that foundation. I am thankful for the faith that I have already built that has forced me to not give up on the gospel, even though I don't have the answers about why I am facing this particularly painful and heartbreaking trial, once again. President Eyring said, "In their perfect love for you, Heavenly Father and the Savior want you fitted to be with Them to live in families forever. Only those washed perfectly clean through the Atonement of Jesus Christ can be there."

As much as I hate my trials, especially the heartache of losing my little babies, I am thankful that I have learned how to really use the Atonement of Christ. I know it doesn't mean my heartache will go away instantly....or even in this life, but I do know that it is pushing me to know and depend on my Savior more than I ever would've had I not had to face this kind of pain. He is truly the only one who understands just how much my heart hurts and He's the only one that can help to heal it.

President Eyring went on to say, "If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing. The Savior has promised angels on our left and our right to bear us up. And He always keeps His word."

How I needed to be reminded that the promises I have been given will still be fulfilled, even if I have to be patient for them and endure to the end. How I needed to know that my angels are watching over me and helping me, even if it only is to push me out of bed on the days when that seems nearly impossible. I'm so thankful that those words could reach me last night and help heal my heart a little and I'm thankful that despite waking up with a heavy heart, once again, I was able to climb out of bed for a little while.