Ben says my post yesterday was super negative...and it was. I admit it. I'm having a really hard time with this. I feel like I've spent the last 13 months completely depressed and lower than I ever imagined possible and this was just a kick to the head shoving me harder into the dirt. We started reading the Book of Mormon every morning before school and I have been reminded just how horrible it is to complain and murmur about things like Laman and Lemuel did. It doesn't help me or anyone for me to do it, so I'm going to try not to do it anymore. I know it just makes me sound ungrateful for the blessings that I do have, which I totally recognize and am grateful for.
So....another spin. Our chances of having a baby are very slim, but it doesn't mean we won't ever. Just right now, it's not going to happen without a lot more tests and procedures that we presently can't afford. We're already into this well over a grand and that's just for the initial things. So, we wait....and maybe we'll have another baby again....maybe. As for now, we have to accept that it's not going to happen naturally. Heavenly Father might just want us to work really, really hard to have another baby or maybe the answer will continue to be no. Only time will tell.
So, here's the positive things about being told you're not going to be able to have a baby "on your own":
* I can take that scuba diving class that I've been wanting to, but didn't know if I'd have the chance to complete between cycles!
* I can throw my digital thermometer in the trash!
* No more of me taking crazy pills that make me feel like crap & treat everyone like crap. Yay for my family especially!!
* I won't spend the days before I expect my period waiting, wishing, and being yet again disappointed.
* I can take Advil for my headaches again!
* I don't have to feel guilty when I really, really just want to have Dr. Pepper.
* I can plan a girl's trip to Disneyland. Any takers?
* We can plan our 15th anniversary get-away that has been on hold for the last year.
* We don't ever have to worry about birth control!
* We can get "in the mood" when we want to, not when a calendar tells us to.
* No more monthly doctors appointments or blood draws!
...and right now, I can't think of anything else. Because as much as I try to be positive, this still sucks. There I go complaining again. Sorry.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Everyone told me that if I could get past the first year I'd feel much better. Gabriel's birthday came and that day I really felt okay. I shed only a few tears and I enjoyed that we were doing something to celebrate his little life. I even had hope that I would be able to get through this and find a place of happiness again. I thought maybe, just maybe, getting through Gabriel's first year was all we needed. Maybe then we would be able to fill this hole in our hearts, even a tiny bit, by having another baby join our family.
The last month I'm pretty sure just about everyone announced a pregnancy. From celebrities to good friends to baby loss moms, to the one person in this world that could make me literally ache the most with their announcement. I hate that others' joy is diminished because of my loss and the fact that they know that we're struggling with infertility. I wish I could just be happy for them without any thought of myself. My happiness for them is always overshadowed by my own heartache and I feel so completely selfish. It's so very difficult to feel that you are doing everything you can possibly do to receive the one blessing that everyone just seems to easily be receiving. Well, it's time for me to stop wishing and hoping. There's nothing left for us to do. After months and months of pleading, we have our answer.
The answer is no.
My heart is broken. My dreams of ever having my arms with a baby in them again is gone. I've shed so many tears and none of it will help, but they just keep coming. I can't even control them in front of people anymore. I am having the most difficult time I've ever had trying to accept that this is what it is. This is the plan that our Heavenly Father has for us.
I hope I can accept that someday. I hope that I can find happiness again despite the fact that we can't have another baby. I hope that I can recognize my blessings in the times that my heart is breaking watching the rest of the world go on and being happy and knowing that there is not one thing I can do to change this for our family. I hope that my heart can stop splitting in two every time I hear my children plead for a new baby in their prayers, knowing that Heavenly Father is also answering their prayers with a 'no' too. I hope....but at the same time I feel so very, very hopeless.
I know I'm blessed to have those little ones still in my everyday life. I know I am blessed to have a perfect little boy that I'll have again someday. I know I'm blessed to have a wonderful, faithful husband, who tolerates all of my pain and heartache and loves me despite my deep struggle with accepting God's plan for our family. I'm very, very blessed and very, very thankful. But today I ache for that blessing I had for just a little moment and the loss of the hope to ever feel truly happy again.
The last month I'm pretty sure just about everyone announced a pregnancy. From celebrities to good friends to baby loss moms, to the one person in this world that could make me literally ache the most with their announcement. I hate that others' joy is diminished because of my loss and the fact that they know that we're struggling with infertility. I wish I could just be happy for them without any thought of myself. My happiness for them is always overshadowed by my own heartache and I feel so completely selfish. It's so very difficult to feel that you are doing everything you can possibly do to receive the one blessing that everyone just seems to easily be receiving. Well, it's time for me to stop wishing and hoping. There's nothing left for us to do. After months and months of pleading, we have our answer.
The answer is no.
My heart is broken. My dreams of ever having my arms with a baby in them again is gone. I've shed so many tears and none of it will help, but they just keep coming. I can't even control them in front of people anymore. I am having the most difficult time I've ever had trying to accept that this is what it is. This is the plan that our Heavenly Father has for us.
I hope I can accept that someday. I hope that I can find happiness again despite the fact that we can't have another baby. I hope that I can recognize my blessings in the times that my heart is breaking watching the rest of the world go on and being happy and knowing that there is not one thing I can do to change this for our family. I hope that my heart can stop splitting in two every time I hear my children plead for a new baby in their prayers, knowing that Heavenly Father is also answering their prayers with a 'no' too. I hope....but at the same time I feel so very, very hopeless.
I know I'm blessed to have those little ones still in my everyday life. I know I am blessed to have a perfect little boy that I'll have again someday. I know I'm blessed to have a wonderful, faithful husband, who tolerates all of my pain and heartache and loves me despite my deep struggle with accepting God's plan for our family. I'm very, very blessed and very, very thankful. But today I ache for that blessing I had for just a little moment and the loss of the hope to ever feel truly happy again.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
I Remember
"Time is passing. Yet, for the United States of America, there will be no forgetting September the 11th. We will remember every rescuer who died in honor. We will remember every family that lives in grief. We will remember the fire and ash, the last phone calls, the funerals of the children." -President George W. Bush
I remember getting the phone call from my brother early in the morning. He simply said, "Turn on the TV. Our country is being attacked." We turned it on and watched with confusion and heartache. We watched as the second plane flew into the World Trade Center in complete shock. We watched the towers fall, the horror on the faces of the people. We watched as more reports came in, the Pentagon being attacked, the crashing of United 93. Our hearts ached for our country. Little Skylar was kicking away in my tummy, just two weeks exactly from her due date. I wondered how we could ever bring a child into this world so full of pain. When she was born, it was such a blessing. She reminded us that there is still good in the world. We have the responsibility as parents to teach her and the rest of our children to find that good. There will always be the horrible things that will undoubtedly find us. But God is good and we will follow Him and by doing so, we will find peace.
“Religion offers no shield for wickedness, for evil, for those kinds of things. The God in whom I believe does not foster this kind of action. He is a God of mercy. He is a God of love. He is a God of peace and reassurance, and I look to Him in times such as this as a comfort and a source of strength.” -Gordon B. Hinckley
I remember getting the phone call from my brother early in the morning. He simply said, "Turn on the TV. Our country is being attacked." We turned it on and watched with confusion and heartache. We watched as the second plane flew into the World Trade Center in complete shock. We watched the towers fall, the horror on the faces of the people. We watched as more reports came in, the Pentagon being attacked, the crashing of United 93. Our hearts ached for our country. Little Skylar was kicking away in my tummy, just two weeks exactly from her due date. I wondered how we could ever bring a child into this world so full of pain. When she was born, it was such a blessing. She reminded us that there is still good in the world. We have the responsibility as parents to teach her and the rest of our children to find that good. There will always be the horrible things that will undoubtedly find us. But God is good and we will follow Him and by doing so, we will find peace.“Religion offers no shield for wickedness, for evil, for those kinds of things. The God in whom I believe does not foster this kind of action. He is a God of mercy. He is a God of love. He is a God of peace and reassurance, and I look to Him in times such as this as a comfort and a source of strength.” -Gordon B. Hinckley
Friday, September 9, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Gabriel Bear
I thought a long time about how we could make Gabriel's birthday special for our kids. They all love and miss their brother a lot and want him to be a part of our lives. They're the main reason that we planned a party in the first place when they started inviting friends to come to Gabe's party before we had even thought of having one. We've celebrated my sister, Mary Gwen's birthday in the past so I think they just figured we'd totally celebrate Gabe's birthday too. We always will but probably not on the scale of his first birthday party, but I'm glad that we did it the way that we did so that our kids could really celebrate the baby brother they love so much.
I still wanted to do something special especially for my kids on Gabe's birthday. We have a tradition in our family that started way back before we even had kids but had been trying for almost a year and a half to have Skylar (infertility majorly sucks, by the way). I went on a trip for my Elementary Ed. program to Denver to see a school there with a great multi-cultural program. While we were there we saw this awesome new store, Build-a-Bear. My friends all started making bears for their kids at home and I was aching that I didn't have a baby to take one home to. My friend encouraged me to just take my chances and make one for the future baby I was sure to have someday. So I did....and two months later our little baby girl was finally on her way. Her very first thing was that Build-a-Bear that I made for her when she was just a great wish yet to be granted. With that, the tradition began. Before each of our children have been born their siblings have gone to Build-a-Bear and picked out the perfect animal to stuff, dress, & then bring to the hospital when they got to meet their new brother or sister. I have loved watching each time as those animals were picked out with so much love and anticipation for the new baby and it's always brought tears to my eyes when the kids show up at the hospital and shove it into our newborn's faces showing them just how loved they already were before they were even here.
Gabriel's birth was obviously different. Our kids didn't ever have a chance to pick out an animal for their new brother. They never had the chance to run into the hospital room excited to meet him and share their gift with them. They never even got to see him or hold him. I've ached for them because I know they have all struggled with this, one more so than the others. I've ached that they didn't get one moment with their baby brother in their arms.
A few days before Gabe's birthday I was thinking about how I could help fill my own childrens' aching arms and I thought about the Build-a-Bear tradition that we'd always had and knew that it was time to get Gabe's bear. Even if he will never be able to cuddle with that bear here on earth, his sisters and brothers would finally have the chance to make one for him and it could be a gift for all of them to treasure and to cuddle when they couldn't cuddle with him. When we told the kids that we were finally going to make Gabe's bear they were all so excited!!
So on Gabe's birthday we went to the store and looked over the different animals and within a few seconds the kids had picked the perfect bear for Gabe. It was a Greenzy Panda bear and it was "Gabe's color", light green. They all agreed that it was just right. What made it even better was that it was a pay it forward bear because the purchase of the bear included the proceeds going to the Arbor Day Foundation and we were also able to have a tree planted in Gabriel's name. It was the perfect thing for the kids to do to provide some kind of service in honor of their brother.
The kids got to stuff the bear:
Pick out a heart with and make a wish to put in the bear:
They each got a limb to hold:
Then they washed the bear:
They decided he was just perfect the way he was without any clothes so after naming him Gabriel Bear he was ready to take home:
The kids have loved having Gabriel Bear. They always give it big squeezes and hope that Gabriel can feel how much he's loved by each of them. Alexis and Kade switch off sleeping with Gabriel Bear every single night. He sure is loved around here...just like our little Gabriel is.
I still wanted to do something special especially for my kids on Gabe's birthday. We have a tradition in our family that started way back before we even had kids but had been trying for almost a year and a half to have Skylar (infertility majorly sucks, by the way). I went on a trip for my Elementary Ed. program to Denver to see a school there with a great multi-cultural program. While we were there we saw this awesome new store, Build-a-Bear. My friends all started making bears for their kids at home and I was aching that I didn't have a baby to take one home to. My friend encouraged me to just take my chances and make one for the future baby I was sure to have someday. So I did....and two months later our little baby girl was finally on her way. Her very first thing was that Build-a-Bear that I made for her when she was just a great wish yet to be granted. With that, the tradition began. Before each of our children have been born their siblings have gone to Build-a-Bear and picked out the perfect animal to stuff, dress, & then bring to the hospital when they got to meet their new brother or sister. I have loved watching each time as those animals were picked out with so much love and anticipation for the new baby and it's always brought tears to my eyes when the kids show up at the hospital and shove it into our newborn's faces showing them just how loved they already were before they were even here.
Gabriel's birth was obviously different. Our kids didn't ever have a chance to pick out an animal for their new brother. They never had the chance to run into the hospital room excited to meet him and share their gift with them. They never even got to see him or hold him. I've ached for them because I know they have all struggled with this, one more so than the others. I've ached that they didn't get one moment with their baby brother in their arms.
A few days before Gabe's birthday I was thinking about how I could help fill my own childrens' aching arms and I thought about the Build-a-Bear tradition that we'd always had and knew that it was time to get Gabe's bear. Even if he will never be able to cuddle with that bear here on earth, his sisters and brothers would finally have the chance to make one for him and it could be a gift for all of them to treasure and to cuddle when they couldn't cuddle with him. When we told the kids that we were finally going to make Gabe's bear they were all so excited!!
So on Gabe's birthday we went to the store and looked over the different animals and within a few seconds the kids had picked the perfect bear for Gabe. It was a Greenzy Panda bear and it was "Gabe's color", light green. They all agreed that it was just right. What made it even better was that it was a pay it forward bear because the purchase of the bear included the proceeds going to the Arbor Day Foundation and we were also able to have a tree planted in Gabriel's name. It was the perfect thing for the kids to do to provide some kind of service in honor of their brother.
The kids got to stuff the bear:
Pick out a heart with and make a wish to put in the bear:
They each got a limb to hold:
Then they washed the bear:
They decided he was just perfect the way he was without any clothes so after naming him Gabriel Bear he was ready to take home:
The kids have loved having Gabriel Bear. They always give it big squeezes and hope that Gabriel can feel how much he's loved by each of them. Alexis and Kade switch off sleeping with Gabriel Bear every single night. He sure is loved around here...just like our little Gabriel is.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Gabriel's Birthday Balloon Release
Gabriel's birthday and balloon release went really well. It was just perfect to have his garden ready for the celebration of his life.
We had a lot of family come....my aunts, Yvonne & Mary Jo, my brother, Jerry & his family, my sister, Steph, & her family, and my parents. It was nice to have them there to remember Gabriel with us.
We had a lot of friends from our ward that have been so supportive this last year. We are so thankful to have such a great ward with amazing people that we get to call our friends. Thank you Mailes, Coxs, Ellingsons, Francoms, Jensens, and Andersons for coming and for everything you've done for us.
My BFF, Adrianne. Seriously, the best. The very best.
My girls, Casey and Adrianne and their chillins sans their working nurse hubbies. These girls have been awesome and have been great at bringing me some smiles this year. Thanks Casey for taking pictures!
My friends, Jeannie and Tina came. Jeannie's daughter, Abbie, and Skylar have been dance buddies forever. Tina's baby boy, Caden, was also born still at 17 weeks.
More babyloss friends, Colleen and Cory, whose little Gabriel was born still at 19 weeks as well. Notice Colleen's arm. She not only donated blood in honor of Gabriel, she went all the way to Sundance just to make sure she did it on his birthday. What an amazing gift. Thanks Colleen!!
Before we did the balloon release Ben gave an amazing speech about Gabriel's life. My only regret of the day was not filming the wonderful things he said. Ben doesn't talk about it much and he's much stronger than me, but he has a great love for our little boy. I think others could see that really come through in the words he said. I am married to an amazing man.
Our family with our balloons for little Gabe. He is always missing from every family picture, but he's never forgotten by us.
Ready to release...
Little Alexis wanted the first balloon to reach her baby brother to be from her. :)
Off they go! 
It looked awesome to see so many balloons sent to heaven for Gabriel.
We watched until they were tiny specks.
Afterward we celebrated some more with some cake and ice cream. 
Thank you to everyone who brought us flowers, cards, gifts, etc. Thank you to anyone who remembered him that day with an act of service. We'd still love to hear what you did. We had some amazing reports already come in...one from across the world in Turkey. We hope that many lives were touched because of Gabriel's. 
All in all Gabriel's birthday was a really good, yet bittersweet day. It's really hard to celebrate when the guest of honor doesn't get to be there, but I'm sure that somehow he was. The days before and after have not been easy at all but I'm so thankful that we did have a good day to celebrate this little boy of ours and the way he's changed our lives forever. We love you sweet boy and hope that you're birthday celebration in heaven was amazing and spectacular, just the way we think that you are!
We had a lot of family come....my aunts, Yvonne & Mary Jo, my brother, Jerry & his family, my sister, Steph, & her family, and my parents. It was nice to have them there to remember Gabriel with us.
We had a lot of friends from our ward that have been so supportive this last year. We are so thankful to have such a great ward with amazing people that we get to call our friends. Thank you Mailes, Coxs, Ellingsons, Francoms, Jensens, and Andersons for coming and for everything you've done for us.
My BFF, Adrianne. Seriously, the best. The very best.
My girls, Casey and Adrianne and their chillins sans their working nurse hubbies. These girls have been awesome and have been great at bringing me some smiles this year. Thanks Casey for taking pictures!
My friends, Jeannie and Tina came. Jeannie's daughter, Abbie, and Skylar have been dance buddies forever. Tina's baby boy, Caden, was also born still at 17 weeks.
More babyloss friends, Colleen and Cory, whose little Gabriel was born still at 19 weeks as well. Notice Colleen's arm. She not only donated blood in honor of Gabriel, she went all the way to Sundance just to make sure she did it on his birthday. What an amazing gift. Thanks Colleen!!
Before we did the balloon release Ben gave an amazing speech about Gabriel's life. My only regret of the day was not filming the wonderful things he said. Ben doesn't talk about it much and he's much stronger than me, but he has a great love for our little boy. I think others could see that really come through in the words he said. I am married to an amazing man.
Our family with our balloons for little Gabe. He is always missing from every family picture, but he's never forgotten by us.
Ready to release...
Little Alexis wanted the first balloon to reach her baby brother to be from her. :)
Off they go! 
It looked awesome to see so many balloons sent to heaven for Gabriel.
We watched until they were tiny specks.
Afterward we celebrated some more with some cake and ice cream. 
Thank you to everyone who brought us flowers, cards, gifts, etc. Thank you to anyone who remembered him that day with an act of service. We'd still love to hear what you did. We had some amazing reports already come in...one from across the world in Turkey. We hope that many lives were touched because of Gabriel's. 
All in all Gabriel's birthday was a really good, yet bittersweet day. It's really hard to celebrate when the guest of honor doesn't get to be there, but I'm sure that somehow he was. The days before and after have not been easy at all but I'm so thankful that we did have a good day to celebrate this little boy of ours and the way he's changed our lives forever. We love you sweet boy and hope that you're birthday celebration in heaven was amazing and spectacular, just the way we think that you are!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Gabriel's Garden
Look what we finished just in time for Gabriel's birthday:
Okay, so that's a horrible picture and please ignore the awful ugly fence that we want to replace so badly and the giant yellow patches of grass...one was from a toy that was left out and the one on the left is the scene of the great garbage can incident. Did I mention that I intended to roll that garbage can over grass...now I'm even more stupid than you thought, huh?
Anyway, Gabriel's garden is done!! Well, for now. I would like Gabe's garden to always be a work in progress with us adding something each year to remember him. But for now, the biggest part is done. Thanks to many friends that helped along the way to get us inspired and motivated and especially those that actually sacrificed their time and sweat doing the hard work to help us, even when all I could do was watch from the swing with my bum foot. Ben and the kids also worked their toushees off and everyone's hard work created a wonderful space.
Might I mention that as we worked on the garden we had seriously so many dragonfly visitors fly in to keep us company and to remind us that Gabriel is never far away. The kids would scream with excitement every time they saw one. I, of course, tried to take pictures of those fast little buggers....and got a few shots...but naturally I can't find them now.
We contemplated for a long time with what to do to make the garden just right. I actually dreamt about it one night and knew just how it should be. We wanted to include the two trees that we planted for Gabriel on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day last October, which meant that the garden ended up being really big....300 sq. ft. big! It's so nice to have such a big space though and I actually love the size...although I didn't when I was digging out all of that sod. We wanted a bench where we could sit and I had the perfect arbor bench picked out but when I went to buy it, it was gone! It all worked out for the best though because I remembered this awesome swing/hammock that I had seen that the kids had loved at the store and when we went to the store they actually had just one left waiting just for us...tender mercy. The kids can all fit on it and relax in Gabe's garden and they were sooooo excited that it was "Gabe's color", light green (his birthstone color). The kids have loved having it and have spent many hours enjoying it! It's placed right in the center of the garden.
Here's a shot of the left side of the garden with the Eastern Redbud we planted for Gabe.
Here's a shot of the right side of the garden with the Japanese Maple. I guess it's hard to see the trees in both of those shots because of the neighbor's trees behind them, but they're there! I can't wait until fall when the Japanese Maple turns the most gorgeous color of red. It will be awesome!
The kids each made a stepping stone for Gabe's garden. They all wanted to put their handprint(s) on them and told me what they wanted written on theirs....such sweet messages to their baby brother that they love and miss. They did all the decorating all by themselves, with the exception of Alexis who got a little help. They were awesome! I'm kicking myself for not taking pictures before we put them outside. They didn't hold up too well....especially little Lex's which someone "accidentally" stepped on and smashed to teeny pieces. Oh well. We're just going to have to make more...at least they were fun to make, huh?
Skylar's...."Gabriel" with a G in a heart.
Nick's...."I love you and wish you were here."
McKade's...."I love you Gabe!"
Alexis's...."I love you baby brother." How sad does it look?
My parents contributed to Gabe's garden by buying some Daisies and a very beautiful Hibiscus.
My friend, Abby, who actually was the one that kicked my butt into gear by helping me with digging the sod, gave us this sweet stone for us to put in Gabe's garden...just perfect.
My friends from my baby loss group, Common Bonds, gave me this dragonfly light that lights up at night and looks so cool.
Finally, just minutes before Gabriel's birthday party balloon release, this precious garden stone came in the mail. I saw these poemstones on an Etsy shop and just loved them. I knew that one would be perfect for Gabriel's garden and worked with a very understanding and kind woman clear across the country to design this custom stone for Gabriel. It's not the headstone I wish we had for him, but it is something to mark that he was here and I absolutely love it.
The garden ended up being exactly what we wanted...a peaceful place where we can remember Gabriel. I'm so glad we got it done in time for his birthday so that we had somewhere to go on that day that we could call Gabe's place. It made the day so much better than other days we've had to remember without somewhere to go....which was just perfect for his birthday. We love you little Gabe and hope you love your garden too!!
Okay, so that's a horrible picture and please ignore the awful ugly fence that we want to replace so badly and the giant yellow patches of grass...one was from a toy that was left out and the one on the left is the scene of the great garbage can incident. Did I mention that I intended to roll that garbage can over grass...now I'm even more stupid than you thought, huh?
Anyway, Gabriel's garden is done!! Well, for now. I would like Gabe's garden to always be a work in progress with us adding something each year to remember him. But for now, the biggest part is done. Thanks to many friends that helped along the way to get us inspired and motivated and especially those that actually sacrificed their time and sweat doing the hard work to help us, even when all I could do was watch from the swing with my bum foot. Ben and the kids also worked their toushees off and everyone's hard work created a wonderful space.
Might I mention that as we worked on the garden we had seriously so many dragonfly visitors fly in to keep us company and to remind us that Gabriel is never far away. The kids would scream with excitement every time they saw one. I, of course, tried to take pictures of those fast little buggers....and got a few shots...but naturally I can't find them now.
We contemplated for a long time with what to do to make the garden just right. I actually dreamt about it one night and knew just how it should be. We wanted to include the two trees that we planted for Gabriel on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day last October, which meant that the garden ended up being really big....300 sq. ft. big! It's so nice to have such a big space though and I actually love the size...although I didn't when I was digging out all of that sod. We wanted a bench where we could sit and I had the perfect arbor bench picked out but when I went to buy it, it was gone! It all worked out for the best though because I remembered this awesome swing/hammock that I had seen that the kids had loved at the store and when we went to the store they actually had just one left waiting just for us...tender mercy. The kids can all fit on it and relax in Gabe's garden and they were sooooo excited that it was "Gabe's color", light green (his birthstone color). The kids have loved having it and have spent many hours enjoying it! It's placed right in the center of the garden.
Here's a shot of the left side of the garden with the Eastern Redbud we planted for Gabe.
Here's a shot of the right side of the garden with the Japanese Maple. I guess it's hard to see the trees in both of those shots because of the neighbor's trees behind them, but they're there! I can't wait until fall when the Japanese Maple turns the most gorgeous color of red. It will be awesome!
The kids each made a stepping stone for Gabe's garden. They all wanted to put their handprint(s) on them and told me what they wanted written on theirs....such sweet messages to their baby brother that they love and miss. They did all the decorating all by themselves, with the exception of Alexis who got a little help. They were awesome! I'm kicking myself for not taking pictures before we put them outside. They didn't hold up too well....especially little Lex's which someone "accidentally" stepped on and smashed to teeny pieces. Oh well. We're just going to have to make more...at least they were fun to make, huh?
Skylar's...."Gabriel" with a G in a heart.
Nick's...."I love you and wish you were here."
McKade's...."I love you Gabe!"
Alexis's...."I love you baby brother." How sad does it look?
My parents contributed to Gabe's garden by buying some Daisies and a very beautiful Hibiscus.
My friend, Abby, who actually was the one that kicked my butt into gear by helping me with digging the sod, gave us this sweet stone for us to put in Gabe's garden...just perfect.
My friends from my baby loss group, Common Bonds, gave me this dragonfly light that lights up at night and looks so cool.
Finally, just minutes before Gabriel's birthday party balloon release, this precious garden stone came in the mail. I saw these poemstones on an Etsy shop and just loved them. I knew that one would be perfect for Gabriel's garden and worked with a very understanding and kind woman clear across the country to design this custom stone for Gabriel. It's not the headstone I wish we had for him, but it is something to mark that he was here and I absolutely love it.
The garden ended up being exactly what we wanted...a peaceful place where we can remember Gabriel. I'm so glad we got it done in time for his birthday so that we had somewhere to go on that day that we could call Gabe's place. It made the day so much better than other days we've had to remember without somewhere to go....which was just perfect for his birthday. We love you little Gabe and hope you love your garden too!!
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