Day 26: Your Hero

I'm pretty blessed to actually have so many heroes in my personal life....a grandpa that went back to school at age 81 because it was his dream to graduate from college. Another grandpa who quietly faded into the background but always had a smile for me or a hilarious joke that can still make me smile today even though he's been dead for 6 years. A grandma who despite having a stroke and feeling miserable all of the time, still welcomes her family with welcome arms and no complaints and genuinely makes you feel loved. A friend with a most generous heart that has adopted children into her wonderful family where they greatly loved and cared for. Another friend who has inspired many after the tragic death of her husband and has helped me get through my hardest days by always being there for me. Another friend who has lost both a husband and a baby and continues to put smiles on others' faces through her thoughtfulness and compassion for others. My own husband who always stays positive and is always thinking of others' needs, and shows me every day what it truly means to be an example of Christ. I'm so blessed to have so many heroes and even more blessed to know them and be able to call them family or friends.

As for my other heroes, I'm blessed to have been able to meet both of them, to shake their hands, and to be able to say that I've truly been in the presence of some of God's chosen men. The first is Gordon B. Hinckley. I have always loved his smile, good nature, and positive attitude. I love how much he adored his wife. I was able to shake his hand at my high school seminary graduation because his grandson went to my high school. It was awesome. What an amazing man he was and he left such a legacy behind him. My favorite quote? From him.

Thomas S. Monson is my other hero. I remember as a little girl seeing him at Snelgrove's and peaking over our booth to gape at him. I was so in awe that we were actually eating ice cream next to an apostle. Later, I actually worked at Snelgrove's and he was still a regular. The only night I got to be his waitress I learned a most valuable lesson. We were very busy and for some reason we were either short a hostess or something, but no one ever went over to seat him and his wife. So, when I finally noticed this and went over, he wasn't happy. He very harshly said, "We've been waiting here quite awhile and deserve to be seated." I apologized and sheepishly showed him to a table and then left to get water for them. I was kind of in shock. Here was this apostle and he had just been so rude to me and it wasn't my fault at all. As soon as I got back to the table though, he was so nice. He apologized profusely and said it had been a long day and his wife was very tired and it was very hard for her to stand and wait to be seated. He was completely nice the rest of the time. It made me realize that even though President Monson is a prophet (he wasn't the prophet then) and a man of God, and probably the closest person to the Savior on earth, that he is still a person. He still gets mad. He still gets frustrated. He still wants to just go on a date with his wife and have a pleasant time. In fact, he himself has said, "I am a very simple man. I just do what the Lord tells me to do." It was a valuable lesson for me and I've tried to remember through my life. We never know anyone's back story-if they've just heard horrible news or they are going through the greatest trial of their life, or even if they've just had a really bad day, so it's not our place to judge them. I'm so thankful for a valuable less that was taught to me that day when I got to be the prophet's waitress. President Monson is also such an amazing example of service and true friendship. There are so many stories of him going out of his way to help just one person, to make one person feel loved and valued. He's a wonderful example to me.

I know I still have so much to learn, but I hope that someday I can be a smidgen like my heroes. I feel so blessed to know so many beautiful and strong heroes. I just happened to run across this quote today and I absolutely agree with it and love it. True heroes are the best!!

"Heroes rarely look the way we draw them in our minds: attractive, imposing figures with rippling muscles and strong chins. More times than not they are humble beings: small and flawed. It is only their spirits that are beautiful and strong." -Richard Paul Evans (The Gift)

Day 25: Your Favorite Quote

Well, that's easy. It would be:


In all of living, have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." ~Gordon B. Hinckley

I only wish I was enjoying it a little more these days.

Day 24: Something that fascinates you and why-super late but aren't we sick of these yet anyway?

Well, that's a given...the ocean. It's pretty much amazing, right? Did you know that 95% of it is still unexplored?! There's so much to discover! So, yes, the ocean completely fascinates me. There are some of the most amazing things to see in the ocean and near it. Some of my absolute favorite animals...dolphins & whales call it home, as well as all the beautiful reefs made up of corals and plants that are just incredible. I'm one of the ocean's biggest fans, you might say. Why oh why don't I live near it? Someday, someday. I actually just took my first intro scuba diving class the other night....how cool is that? Thanks to my awesome Ben for giving me a most awesome birthday present....I loved it!!! Maybe someday soon I'll be able to get certified and I can get to the rest of that 95% that has yet to be explored.

Another thing that has always fascinated me has been the miracle of life...yes, babies...how they're made, how they develop, how they grow, etc. Okay, so at times I'm sure that people thought I was a perv for being so interested in this, but I think it's way cool. In high school, while everyone was taking art and music classes....I took science classes such as Zoology, Human Biology, and Genetics. Who takes those kinds of classes for fun? Um, me. My favorite part of each of those classes was the reproduction part. When everyone else was super embarrassed because yeah, it was high school, I was fascinated to know more and I wasn't shy about it. I was kind of the reproduction expert of my classes. I mean, it's pretty much the coolest thing on earth and I'm sure Heavenly Father would agree. It is nothing less than a miracle when conception occurs and a life is created. It's amazing how so quickly that little miracle grows into this fully developed and functioning little person. Seeing Gabriel's little perfectly formed body after just about 17 weeks of growth just confirmed to me how incredible the miracle of life is....absolutely the most fascinating thing.

A baby at 17 weeks gestation...see just how perfect Gabe was?

Day 23: Decribe your dream house

My dream house is a mutil million dollar home...only because of its location. Location, location, location, right? It's just a simple house and doesn't even look very big, but I've already found it. It's on Balboa Island, near Newport Beach....and just a street away from the ocean. I love it. Here it is:Isn't it just cute? It's just simple. I love the porch and the rock and the little picket fence. I could deal without the neighbors living 12 feet away, of course, but I'd be willing to sacrifice if it meant the ocean was so very close. Awesome.

Now I'm not a fancy person. I have no desire whatsoever to live in a big house. A big house means lots of cleaning and lots of maintaining. My tiny house I live in already gives me enough grief without adding to that by making it much bigger....seriously how many toilets have we replaced in the last two years? Three....okay, technically two because we're still out our master bathroom's. Ugh. A big house also means keeping up with the Jones's. I have no interest in that either. I am very content in a small house living near humble good people. I've been itching lately for maybe a teensy bit bigger home than the one we have now so that the kiddles could have more space and privacy with their own rooms...but I wouldn't go very much bigger...just a room or two.

I am an avid fan of the Parade of Home, which has been going on the last couple of weeks. Every year my friend, Adrianne, & I go and visit all the fancy homes of Utah County. We've gone for years and years and years. Ben calls it house porn. Yeah, that's pretty much an appropriate term because I think for most people it is. I've heard of some people that say it makes them miserable to go and see all that others have and they don't. I'm not like that at all. I just thoroughly enjoy going to see some cool stuff. I've always really been into architecture and interior design...probably would've pursued either if it hadn't been for the math & geometry (yuck!) involved. I used to build the most amazing LEGO houses as a youngling. Serious, I was like the Hatfield builder of LEGO homes. I love going to see houses and different layouts. I even love going to unfinished houses and seeing how they are coming together. So, Parade of Homes is always on the top of my list. My kids love it too and this year I've done the craziest thing...take the four of them with me...along with Adrianne's three! Yikes! I can honestly say that there haven't been too many homes on the route this year that I've had any desire to ever have. There's been a few I liked the layout in and I really always love the Hatfield homes because they kind of look old-fashioned and have a lot of character, although they are usually way too fancy and ginormous for me.

There are three things I do always come home wishing I had & hope that I can have some day in my dream house. A backsplash like this in my kitchen:A walk-in pantry! :...and an organized mudroom:

But do those really count as luxuries? I think they just count as necessities for people that organizationally OCD like me! If I could have one luxury item though, it wouldn't be the washer & dryer in my huge walk-in closet, it wouldn't be a pool (although I still really, really want this someday), it wouldn't be a huge movie theater, or even a four car garage. It would be a giant salt water aquarium like this:
I've always wanted one. Even before my house porn addiction and finding the exact one I want...a seethrough one. Isn't it just awesome? Crossing my fingers, crossing my fingers.

Day 22: Describe Your Dream Vacation

Um, my dream vacation to anywhere would always include this:Isn't that just the most beautiful thing ever? Okay, I'm obsessed with the ocean, so of course my dream vacation would be to go to the ocean. Now, I know that's not specific enough because there's a lot of ocean out there...so more specifically, I would love to go to Australia, New Zealand, & all of the Polynesian Islands....yep, every one. Before I go though (ha ha like I'm ever really going to get to go, right?) , I need to learn to scuba dive because there just happens to be this tiny little reef...or maybe a great one...that looks like this:
...and that's gotta be one of the most amazing things to see in the world.

Oh and when we stop in Bora Bora, we're totally staying here:Can you even imagine?

Day 21: Describe Your Wedding

Our wedding was on July 1, 1997 and we were married in the Mt. Timpanogos temple for time and all eternity. It was an awesome day...the best of my entire life. We were surrounded by our friends and families, with the only exception being my parents. Yep, my parents. It's not like they weren't invited. They were just otherwise detained in Leipzig, Germany on a mission for our church. With the new rules that just came out for couple missionaries, they would've been allowed to come home for the wedding...but that was a different time and they were not allowed to then. I guess we could've waited until they got back, but that would've been an entire year to wait...and have I mentioned that I'm extremely impatient? So, yeah, we moved forward without them and it was hard, but it was right. I don't know if my mom has ever forgiven us...I'm the baby after all...but she loves Ben, so I think she's glad. At least my parents had met him like 3 times before he stole me away...and my dad was awfully impressed that Ben called all the way to Germany to ask for my hand.

Anyway, I never ever wanted to get married in the summer. My sisters were both married in the summer and I was determined to be different. However, Ben didn't ask me to marry him until April (gheez!), so a summer wedding it was. We originally planned for August but had to keep moving the date up all the way to the first day of July. I refused to go into June because my sisters were both married in June, but in the end, all three of our weddings were in the same week. Oh well. At least we had July...and now it's kind of cool because we always get a fun weekend around our anniversary to celebrate...and there's always fireworks!! Anyway, we ended up having a short engagement meaning a lot of work to do very quickly to get ready. Add to the fact that the mother of the bride was MIA and Ben and I were on full planning mode for that month and a half. The good thing about that was that we made every single decision ourselves. We had a lot of help from Ben's dad and step-mom too.

We didn't have a ton of money. My parents were obviously unemployed at the time, but they still sent us some money to work with. We used it up very quickly and so our wedding was super budget, but we made it work. We wanted to have an outdoor wedding reception and Ben's dad volunteered for us to do it at his house in American Fork, which worked perfectly because the temple was there. Have I mentioned that the first time I went to the Mt. Timp open house I said I was going to marry Ben in that temple? Oh, and that was like 3 months before we even started dating. Awww....it was so meant to be. Anyway, I fell in love with that temple at the open house because it is just absolutely beautiful and Ben knew there was no changing my mind. So all of the festivities went on in American Fork. Who'da thunk I'd ever get married there?!

The temple was awesome. We had the biggest sealing room in the temple and it was filled to the max...maybe it was good my parents weren't there...ha ha, kidding, parents. It was so great to have so many friends and family there to support us. I have no clue what our sealer said to us because Ben and I just were gaga staring at each other the entire sealing. I'm pretty sure we promised to be together forever and stuff. Isn't it awesome that you get to go back to the temple and be reminded of that amazing moment of being sealed together?

Our reception, like I said, was at Ben's house. The weather cooperated nicely and it was just a perfect day. My wedding colors were my favorite colors-navy blue and forest green-the colors I'd always wanted. Now, my mom, being a florist by trade, always told me that those weren't wedding colors....and always questioned what flowers I would use in my bouquet. Well, she wasn't there, so I got my way. My bouquet had white roses with ivy and tiny little delphiniums (I think?) which were actually purple flowers, but they were so close to navy blue it worked perfectly. It was beautiful! By the way, it is not the bouquet in the picture above, which was our photographer's. We had navy blue and forest green balloons all around as decorations. We also had rented a little gazebo and arch thing, and fences and tables and stuff and it turned out really nice.

For our honeymoon we went to Jackson Hole and Yellowstone. Ben's work paid for a few nights in a cool little cabin in Jackson. We loved it! We went on a river rafting trip while we were there and also got to see the most amazing 4th of July fireworks show. Then we headed over to my family's cabin in Island Park where we stayed the rest of the week. We visited all of Yellowstone National Park. Now, I'd been there a bajillion times before, but Ben had never been before, so it was really fun to visit things that were so cool for him to see. We had a great honeymoon!!

I always joke to Ben about all of the things I'll do differently when we got married again...but with money. In reality, I wouldn't really change it. It was our wedding....and it was perfect because we planned it and worked on it together, for the most part by ourselves. How many couples actually get to do that? We may not have had everything we wanted, but we had everything we needed...and most importantly we had each other....and we do for all time and eternity...along with our five little amazing littles. Awww....I love that man of mine. He's the bestest. I am so the luckiest.

Normal

Every day my greatest wish is that I could just go back to normal or even that I could grieve "normally." I've had so many people, even people that have gone through the loss of a baby, tell me that it seems I'm having a much harder time. Wow, what a loser I am. I've read that there's certain circumstances that make it harder for a woman to get through the loss of her baby...being surrounded by a lot of people having babies at the same time (check), a baby that was especially planned and hoped for (check), getting older and feeling like the baby lost was perhaps the last chance at having another one (check), and being further along in the gestation of the baby-having felt the baby move or a delivery instead of a D & C (check). So, yes, I'm having a hard time. I'm not "normal", but then again, maybe I am. Today I ran across this, and it made me feel much less alone, much more "normal" in my grief.

This was shared by another Angel Mommy, author is unknown.

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life. Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is staring at every pregnant woman wondering how far along she is, then thinking how far along I should be and imagining I am still pregnant as I should be. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart. Normal is no matter how many or by what means we have children, there will always be one missing.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember my baby. Normal is I will celebrate my child’s birth and mourn the death all on the same day.

Normal is after delivery is over, everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having your child die is unnatural.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone because you are stricken with grief over the loss of your child.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is some days being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time what to say when the inevitable question of if you have any children is asked because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is avoiding friends who have been friends for years because the site of them and their children tears my heart in two and reminds me again of what I lost.

Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours.

Normal is finding excuses not to go to baby showers and birthday parties because you don't want your loss and sadness to overshadow anyone’s special day.

Normal is having to bite your tongue when people say stupid things because you know they mean no harm, they are just ignorant.

Normal is being avoided by people who know because they are uncomfortable talking about it. Normal is I NEED to talk about it. Normal is everyday finding the strength to get out of bed and go on living even though there are days you feel like you can't. Normal is when you do get out of bed you realize that today is one day closer to seeing my baby again. Normal is knowing that 80% of relationships will not survive the loss of a child and wondering if you will beat the odds.

Normal is blaming yourself and wondering if others blame you too.

Normal is knowing that I will never be able to enjoy a pregnancy because it will be plagued with fear and remembrance of how this one ended.

Normal is I wouldn't give back my weeks I shared with my child because sometimes love is so great that saying hello and goodbye in the same moment is worth it.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".