Thankful Thursday

Today I'm thankful for the wonderful friends that have remembered Gabriel during this Christmas and as we face the ache of this next week that we would've been celebrating his first birthday if he were here. Thank you for the poinsettia, the beautiful ornaments, the e-mails, the texts, and the hugs. Acts that you may think of as so simple, but yet they mean so much to us during this painful time of year for us. You'll never understand what a gift your remembrance of him is to us. We truly cherish it.

Our Christmas Card

Haha. We don't do Christmas cards anymore!! But we sure do love to receive them! Thanks to everyone that has sent us one! We love staying updated on your lives.

We did get an actual family picture taken this year because my mom & dad insisted on it for their upcoming 50th anniversary (wow!). Thanks for making us because I think they turned out good and our last one was when Alexis was 3 months old & now she's 3 years old!!

Merry Christmas from the Jordans!!!Ben, Cyndi, Skylar (10), Nick (7 1/2), McKade (5 1/2), & Alexis (3)

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

We love you our precious baby Gabe!!
Merry Christmas in Heaven!!

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
with tiny lights like Heaven’s stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away that tear
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
but the sound of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?
I'll ask Him to lift your spirit as I tell Him of your love
so then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing
for I am spending Christmas in Heaven and I’m walking with the King.
-Wanda White (1999)

We also love and miss you Grandma as you celebrate your first Christmas in heaven!

Thankful Thursday....there's still my joy

I woke up with the heaviest heart and just aching for Gabriel. Oh how I miss him. Christmas this year has been the worst. I feel so sad and hopeless and my Christmas spirit is at zilch. I'm also aching for friends that are having an even worse Christmas than I am with more losses and painful angelversaries.....pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet, I'm determined to make this Christmas good for my kids because they deserve it so I'm going through the motions, trying to be "normal" for them. I'm also striving to remember that with the miracle of Christmas and our Savior's birth, there is hope and there is joy. I will be with my son again and I will always have the blessing of being his mother, even if I have to wait a lifetime to hold him again.

"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come." ~Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Today I'm thankful that, despite the ache and pain, there's still my joy.....

Thankful Thursday

Today I'm thankful for the perfect surprise package that just came in the mail. I can't reveal what it is because I'm saving it for Christmas, but it was exactly what I needed today. God does love me....and so does my baby boy.

Thankful Thursday

I don't know if I'm hiding it very well, but I'm so very depressed. Gabriel will always be the late Christmas present we didn't get to have and this entire season, all about a baby, will probably always just makes me ache for the baby I love so much but didn't get to keep. I miss my baby boy. I wish he was here for his first Christmas, his first birthday, his first everything. This year feels even more hopeless with all the other disappointments we've had in the last year that have compounded my grief. I think it's also harder because everyone else has moved on...the grief far outlives the support, and I know that, but it's hard to not feel like I'm able to move on and find joy again myself. I can't remember the last day that I didn't break down sobbing over and over again just missing Gabriel and especially just missing the life of happiness I used to have. I wonder if I'll ever find my way back to happy again. It's a very hopeless feeling to be so depressed that you can't even begin to know how to make yourself happy. Many would say happiness is a choice, but believe me, if I could choose it, I would've by now.

Yet, I know I am blessed. I feel so much gratitude for the things I have been given, even through the pain and heartache. It's in recognizing all I have that I'm able to keep going when I feel like I can't stand one more second of the disappointments and trials that never seem to go away or lighten. So I'm starting Thankful Thursdays because I desperately need them.

Today, although I don't always know what Heavenly Father's plans are for my life here on earth, I am thankful that I do know what His plan is for me and all of us for the eternities. It makes me want to strive every day to be worthy of what lies ahead in that great eternal plan.

I'm thankful for this video that reminded me today that despite the "dreams unrealized, ambitions unfulfilled, and hopes vanquished" that there is still so much to look forward to:

Wish I knew them too.....