Our Fantastic Four...Plus One More

Defeated

2012-02-10T09:43:00.007-07:00

Today I'm feeling defeated. That's about the only word for it.....defeated...and I guess sad and a little angry at life. When I feel this way sometimes I just get so disappointed in myself but then I know that other moms that have lost a baby feel the same way sometimes too. None of this is easy and sometimes it is just downright unfair. I read this on a baby loss mom's blog the other day and today I can't get it off my mind. It's so hard that so many have to feel this way....

When You Lose a Baby

February 5, 2012 By Franchesca

You don’t know what to expect.

People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.

You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.

You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.

And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.

You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.

It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.

You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.

You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.

The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.

Forever.

You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.

You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.

You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.

You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.

You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.

Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.

You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.

You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.

You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.

Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.

People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.

You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.

There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.

You lose friends. You find new ones.

You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.

You would do anything for another minute with your child.

You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.

You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.

You want to know what went wrong, and why…

You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.

You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.

You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.

You learn to live with the pain.

You are better for having known them at all.

18 months

2012-02-09T09:06:00.003-07:00

Yesterday we were out and Alexis pointed out the sunset. She said, "Look Mom! It's a beautiful one tonight!" She was right. It was:We got in the car and drove for about a minute and the kids started saying how the sunset was already gone and the clouds had just gotten dark. I told them that sunsets are fleeting and then I explained what the word fleeting means.....how you have to take it in & really be in awe of it during the short time it's here. My little five year old, Kade, so wise beyond his years, said, "Just like our Gabriel."

18 months ago today our lives were changed forever when we found out that Gabriel's plans were different than ours and that he had already returned home to our Heavenly Father. It seems like only a moment ago but at the same time a lifetime ago. We miss him every single day but are thankful every single day that he is ours forever and that forever is definitely not fleeting.

GratiTuesday: My Ship is Tight Like a Dish

2012-02-07T15:56:00.024-07:00

Today I'm thankful that my ship is tight like a dish.

For my birthday last year my brother gave me a set of talks on CD by Michael Wilcox. I listen to them whenever I'm able to. They've actually helped me in answering some of the great questions of the gospel I've had when going through the trials I have in the last year. One, in particular, is called the Fourth Watch, and I've listened to it so many times that if it was a record, it would be worn thin by now. Michael Wilcox talks about the Savior and how often times when we're going through trials, He is there, He's always there, but He isn't able to step in until we've gone through some of those trials first....sometimes making us wait until the second watch, the third, the fourth...and even beyond...before He can step in and help calm the storm. We wonder why He's not helping us when we are pleading for help and hoping our trials will cease. We often figure that 1-He's not listening, 2-He doesn't care, or 3- We're not worthy of His help. I know that I've felt all of these the last few years many times. I've wondered how much He thinks I'm capable of and why He would continue to give me trials that seem more than I think I am able to bear. The answer to all of this is that He knows me better than I even know myself. He knows I can handle all that I am given. If I couldn't, He would have come during the very first watch. He knows that my ship is tight like a dish.

When the Brother of Jared was preparing to come to the Promised Land he was confronted with how to get his people there while tossing along on the mountainous ocean waves. He was instructed by the Lord to make the ships tight like a dish. Heavenly Father knew what they would face. He could have calmed the waves, He could have calmed the storms that would come, but instead He helped to prepare them for what was coming. Their ships were tight like a dish...and they made it through. I can't help but feel that all of the experiences of my life and the building of my testimony have made it possible for me to get through the storms of the last few years.

Michael Wilcox said, " Even the most negative situations God can turn into good for us if we trust Him." I think I'm finally learning that. I trust Him and I trust that he knows what is best for me, even when it seems unfair or it's incredibly painful. I trust that He has helped me to be strong enough to get through all of the storms that will come my way. I trust that everything will happen as it is supposed to be and that good will come from all of this. The blessings from these trials will be great joys someday and they are so worthy of my patience during the storms.

The last week we've been faced with yet another trial and major disappointment. I'm not ready to share it and I don't know if I will, plus I'm really trying not to complain and instead look for the blessings in my trials. I've waivered back and forth in how I feel about being given one more thing when I feel that I'm at my limit. There are times that I've wondered about those 3 things above, but actually it hasn't been often. I've actually, more than anything, felt at peace. I don't understand why my Savior has left me feeling like I'm in the tenth watch wondering when He will come and calm the storm, but I do know that He's there. He understands more than anyone and He's given me the peace I needed. I know that I can trust Him because He trusts me and knows that my ship is tight like a dish. He knows my testimony of His gospel, His goodness, and His love is strong. I know He's listening. I know He cares. I know that I'm worthy of His blessings. I know that His plan is a good plan and that He has great things in store for our family, whether they happen now or later. I am so entirely thankful for that.

"Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child."

~ John H. Groberg

Thankful Thursday

2012-02-02T21:28:00.002-07:00

See? Somehow I'm managing two thankfuls this week.

I've had a rough couple of days. Thanks to my friends who know what I've been going through and have kept me in their prayers and offered so much love. I'll get through this.

Today I am thankful for the opportunity that I had to go to the temple and do sealings with my hunny. Although my heart hurts, holding his hand in the temple always brings me such peace and comfort. I needed that today and I'm so glad that we had planned to go today before I knew I would need it so much.

I'm also thankful for a priesthood blessing I was given tonight where I received some great words of comfort. I'm so thankful for the priesthood and the blessings of healing and peace that it offers. Everything is going to work out just how it's meant to be.

GratiTuesday!

2012-01-31T22:04:00.021-07:00

So Thursdays are super busy for us right now with piano lessons, karate, and dance lessons and by the time we finally get the kiddles to bed, I'm too pooped to blog, so I'm switching to GratiTuesdays. Or maybe I'll do both. Who knows?

Anyway, today, I'm so so so thankful for my boys' new awesome bunkbed that we got from my sweet friend, Mindy. Thank you, thank you, thank you Mindy!! We are so so pleased with it...all of us! Kade and I are so thankful that he finally has drawers that work so that he can get into them without requiring great effort and lots of frustration from both of us because his old drawers were sooooo busted. Nick has loved that we allowed him to take the top bunk although it's scary to have him up there with his restless sleeping habits so we're very thankful it's a very safe bed. The boys are in love!!I have actually been pretty emotional about getting this bunkbed for our boys. Yes, emotional over a bunkbed...tears over a bed....it just sounds silly. However, the week that Gabriel died, we were right in the middle of switching the kids' rooms all around...the girls moved into the smaller room and the boys moved into the bigger room....so that we could make room for our precious baby on the way. It was going to be a tight squeeze with three kids in one room and the only way we could do it was to get the boys a bunkbed. We had already been shopping for the last month for one, checking every yard sale, every ksl listing, and every furniture store. The time had finally come for us to go get it the very next Saturday and the boys couldn't wait! Then that Monday, we found out the devastating news that the baby that the whole room was being planned around was not going to be coming home with us. The crib went away, the baby stuff was all packed up, and the room that the boys were supposed to share with that baby brother became a very hard room for me to even go in. Every time I would look where Gabriel's crib was meant to be and my heart would literally break. It took quite a few months for me for me to stop crying every night as our family gathered for family prayers, stories, and cuddles in the boys' room.

Of course, since we didn't need a bunkbed then, and had numerous financial things and medical bills throughout the next year, we have never gotten the bunkbed the boys were hoping for. I kept thinking that as soon as I got pregnant we would get one because we'd have to....but then that hasn't happened. I have felt a sense of guilt knowing that the boys' room was just kind of left in limbo all of this time. Kade has desperately needed new drawers but I wanted to get ones that either were part of the bed or matched so he's just been waiting for drawers that work. Both of the boys have asked numerous times when we'll actually get them the bunkbed we promised them almost 18 months ago. It broke my heart to think that they were promised both the bed and the baby and hadn't gotten either.

So, yay!! We finally have a bunkbed! We're still waiting on the baby but hoping that someday we'll be able to bring a baby home to share that room, especially now that we have a smidgen of room to fit a crib back in there. Fingers crossed!

Again, thank you Mindy for your generosity, for making two little boys very happy, and for making this mommy feel a little less guilt!

Happy Birthday Mary Gwen!!

2012-01-30T22:44:00.011-07:00

January 30th is a special day for me. It's my stillborn sister, Mary Gwen's, birthday. When I was growing up I always insisted that my family celebrate this special day and now our family has continued that tradition and we love it! I just know my sister has always been a part of my life even if she wasn't here physically. There have been moments in my life that I've just ached to know her, but I've still felt as if I do. I know we were close and that she has helped me through so much in my life. I just know it. I definitely know that she has helped me through losing little Gabriel and I know that my love for her has helped my kids grow in their love for their baby brother that they miss every day too.

We always celebrate Mary Gwen's with cake and ice cream but this year we decided to really celebrate in style. Over the last month our three big kids have all been chosen as student of the the week. Woot! Woot! Way to go kids!! Last week at their parent teacher conferences, all of their teachers had nothing but awesome things to say about them. They are honestly super great kids!! We are lucky parents!! The kids got some coupons with their student of the week honors and so we decided to head out to Applebee's for a fun meal. We usually only go out for our birthdays so this was a special treat...but since we were celebrating Mary Gwen's birthday it made it even more special.
Our waiter happened to be Ben's friend from high school so he treated us extra special and even hooked the kids up with a giant cookie covered in ice cream! The kids were so excited!!
Since we had made a bunch of cupcakes the kids still really wanted those when we got home. We had to eat Mary Gwen's cupcakes on her birthday, right? So they loaded up some more on sugar...just perfect for bedtime! We sang Mary Gwen 'Happy Birthday' and hoped she could hear us. I'm so thankful that my kids are getting to continue celebrating their aunt's birthday so that she can always be remembered and honored.
Happy Birthday in heaven, Mary Gwen!! I love you and am so thankful that I have a wonderful sister that has influenced my life so many times. Give my baby boy some love and the hugs and smooches that I wish I could!!

Ringing in the New Year

2012-01-30T21:34:00.035-07:00

On New Year's Eve we threw together an impromptu party at our house. Our friends the Coxs, the Tongs, the Jensens, and the Lampreys came over and we ate a ton of food, played some games, and had a fun night saying goodbye to 2011.
New Year's always marks mine and Ben's 1/2 anniversary. This year we hit 14 1/2 years of wedded bliss. Love you like crazy babe!! The Jensens and the Lampreys took off early but everyone else stayed to partay long after the strike of midnight. Welcome 2012!!
It got pretty loud in our house so we headed outside in the freezing cold to watch some of the fireworks going off around the neighborhood. Have I mentioned we have the best fireworks view ever?
We then headed back in to toast in the new year with some bubbly....Mormon style. I swear it was non-alcoholic, but some of our pictures beg to differ!

Skylar's drunken style takes the prize though!
We were so glad we could celebrate another New Year's Eve with the Tongs. I am in denial that this will be our last for awhile!
We had a really great night! Thanks friends for making it so fun!!

Happy New Year!!!

Thankful Thursday

2012-01-19T21:16:00.015-07:00

So I know I missed a couple weeks there...not that I wasn't thankful....I just had some really hard weeks and not enough energy to blog...besides the fact that my computer is lame (it has shut down like three times while writing this!). But I'm back for Thankful Thursday.

This week I read this article and loved it! It's a must-read:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html

I love it because I know just how true it is. Sometimes I'm truly amazed that 11 years ago this week I found out, that after waiting and wishing for so long, I was finally going to be a mom. Then I wonder how that 11 years went by without me cherishing every single second of it because after the first year I realized just how quickly it was speeding by. Of course, there's the moments you don't quite so cherish. I've had plenty of those. But you know what? Those aren't the ones I remember...for the most part. I don't usually remember the huge major tantrums that my kids are capable of, the ginormous messes their little bodies are capable of making, or the times they've hurt my heart by doing something that disappointed me. Those ones seem to escape me....yet I know they are there...kind of like forgetting the pain of labor between babies. Parenting is tough, but it is worth every single moment of yuckiness because the moments of awesome are a million times better. I love being a mom. I love my littles. I love those moments....the kairos moments....and I love when in the moment I'm able to recognize them. This week I really thought about them and cherished every single one.

There was the moment where I watched Skylar actually bouncing in her skin because she was so excited to share something that happened during the day but someone else was talking. This is perfect Skylar...always so excited about life and loving every minute of it. I love watching her take on everything with such an eager attitude and can't wait to see the places she'll go.

There was the moment when Nickolas came and climbed up on my lap and let me hold and rock him like a baby. He's almost too big for that, but I'll do it as long as I can. I always tell all of my babies that they are always going to be my babies. Think Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. Yeah, that's me...maybe not being all stalkerish with the ladder or anything...but when I'm old, I'm still going to rock my babies...and I know Nickolas is the type of sweetness that will rock me right back. *Tear*

There was the moment that I was talking to Kade about Martin Luther King, Jr. and we talked about how unfair things can be for so many people just because they are different. Kade said he just didn't understand because one of his best buddies has black skin (African American to be p.c.) and he said, "He's one of the coolest friends I know and I love him." It was one of those moments that I was so proud of him and the love for others that he has. I'm so glad to be raising my child during a time where differences are accepted....and that all my littles know is love for everyone, regardless of their skin color.

There was the moment when little Lex had climbed into bed in the morning with us and said, "Mom, you're in my spot," because I was next to Ben. There's not too many girls in the world (in fact, there's only 2) that I would share that spot with. I love that she loves to cuddle between us. After we stopped giggling about it, she put her hand on my cheek and placed my hand on her cheek (it's something she likes to do) and we just stared into each other's eyes. Awwww......

...and Gabriel....every moment I feel him is a kairos moment that I cherish.

So, today I'm thankful for those kairos moments. I absolutely, completely love every single one. How amazing is it to be a mom?!

BE

2012-01-10T20:44:00.010-07:00

ONE LITTLE WORD:

"A single word can be a powerful thing. It can be the ripple in the pond that changes everything"

I've decided to choose a word for the year 2012. I've heard of others doing this...choosing one word to concentrate on throughout the year....so I decided to try it. The word I've chosen is BE.

The word BE spoke to me mostly because it is a verb, which means action. It has many uses and definitions, all of which I really need.

1. to exist or live: Shakespeare's “To be or not to be” is the ultimate question.

2. to take place; happen; occur: The wedding was last week.

3. to occupy a place or position: The book is on the table.

4. to continue or remain as before: Let things be.

I need to be...to exist. I've spent the last 17 months just surviving through my grief of losing Gabriel and then also dealing with the grief of infertility for 14 months. I honestly have not lived. It's time.

I need to be...to make things happen. Time is marching on. I need to make new goals and strive for them, as scary as that it is now that I've known such great disappointments.

I need to be...to occupy. I guess to me this means to occupy my life. Be the mom and wife that I know that I can be and that my children and husband deserve.

I need to be...to continue as before. I know how much I've changed. I know I'll never go back to the way I was, and in ways, that is good because I have learned so much, but since there is no way to change the things that have gotten me here, I need to continue on with my life. I can't give up, even though sometimes that seems like the easiest thing to do.

So this year, I will be. I will be grateful. I will be smart. I will be clean. I will be true. I will be humble. I will be prayerful. Yes, all of President Hinckley's Be's.

But I will also be positive, be hopeful, be active, be ambitious, be faithful, be courageous, be forgiving, be sensitive, be optimistic, be generous, be thoughtful, be determined, be friendly, be adaptable...and most of all, somehow, I will be happy.

Gabriel Day 2012

2012-01-07T21:58:00.016-07:00

Today, January 7th, was the day that Gabriel was due last year. It's a date that we'll always associate with Gabriel....and we'll always wish he was here to celebrate his birthday with us...instead of having to just remember him on this day instead. I've learned that this day...and the weeks leading up to this day...are much harder for me than his birthday is. I guess it's because this was the time that we were expecting him to be with us. So it's been a very difficult day (week and month) for me. But, like any other day that we remember little Gabe, we tried to make it good.

The only gift I can give my precious baby boy is to serve someone else and hope that he knows I'm doing it in his honor. Every time I've had a baby I grow my hair out while I'm pregnant and then donate it to Locks of Love. It tends to grow much faster when I'm pregnant and about the time that my new babies start to grab it, it's the perfect length to chop off and donate. After Gabriel died, I went ahead and chopped my hair. Growing it out is really a huge pain and I figured it wasn't worth it if I wasn't getting a baby in my arms from it. I've always felt bad that Gabriel didn't get his Locks of Love donation. So, I decided to grow it back out. I've been tempted so many times to cut it, but I'm glad I endured through the stages of ugh and awkward hair so that it was finally long enough to donate. Today, in honor of his due date, and in his memory, that's just what I did. Here's my 10 inches of hair:I think they may make me stop doing this because of all the grays in it!! No kid wants a wig made of gray hair! But for now, it's mostly brown and I hope is put to good use.

So, I know EVERYONE wants a before and after picture, but I need to add that I am super sick today with a head cold and all of the before pics look like I am drunk, so there are definitely no after pictures. But believe me, it's short!

Later on, right before it got too dark, we wrote notes to Gabriel and did a balloon launch. I've always kind of been against these because of the environmental impact, but since we've been doing it for Gabe, I've changed my mind. There's not much we can do to remember him or to send our love to him, and "sending balloons to heaven" somehow helps to fill that need. It's so beautiful to watch them float away and to have some way to show our love to Gabriel. I hope he somehow gets to be there to watch all those balloons sent to him with love. As we were getting ready to send our balloons off, McKade decided that the official name for January 7th needs to be "Gabriel Day". I think it's the perfect name for a day that means a lot to our family.We decided to use one of our gift certificates from Christmas to go out to dinner but everywhere had an hour wait and with Alexis (who has strep) and I not feeling well, we stopped in at Noodles and Co. instead. It was fun to have a family night out in honor of our little Gabriel.Later on, my sweet husband and precious kids surprised me with a new necklace, with a forget me not on it, to remember Gabe. It's beautiful and I absolutely love it!We'll always remember little Gabe on "Gabriel Day." Thank you to those that thought of him and remembered him with us today. That is truly the best gift you can give us.

We miss you sweet baby boy in heaven. We wish you were here celebrating your first birthday, instead of us sending your balloons to heaven, but we are so thankful that you are part of our forever family. We love you more than there are words. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO (the kids insisted on a ton of those for your balloons!)

Adios 2011!!

2012-01-01T15:12:00.066-07:00

I was so glad to get done with 2009...it was horrible. Then came 2010...and the hope of a new baby and then the loss of that precious baby...and it was horrible...and ended up being worse than the year before. Then came 2011....and it's almost been unbearable....definitely the worst year of my entire life. I just feel so very defeated with the trials we have had in the last three years. It seems like one thing has hit after another. I know that the Lord won't ever give me more than I can bear, but often I wish that I was just not as apparently strong as He believes I am.

Three years ago Ben was called to be the Elder's Quorum President in our ward. This is his second time with this highly demanding calling and going into it we knew it would mean a lot of sacrifice for our family. As with any calling, we knew we would be blessed with his service. When he was called, our stake president looked us both in the eyes and told us that some of the greatest blessings of our lives would come from Ben serving in this calling. I've wondered many times over the last three years where those blessings were in all of the trials that we've faced. I know that often some of our greatest trials turn into our greatest blessings. I know that promise of blessings also extends to the eternities. I truly believe that Gabriel is one of the greatest blessings we have ever been given, although his unexpected death and living without him will always be one our greatest trials as well. It is often very difficult to recognize your blessings through your trials, but it is something that I have learned that I depend on to get me through them. Yes, the last three years have been the hardest of our entire lives, but we have also had some enormous blessings.
As we bid adieu to our awful 2011, it's time to reflect on the top ten blessings we also enjoyed:

1. Ben and I have officially spent 15 wonderful years together. 15!! Woot Woot! In fact, today is our 14 1/2 year wedding anniversary. Yes, I count the 1/2! Just 6 more months until our 15th anniversary! I hope we get to do something awesome! We will officially be scuba certified as of tomorrow (pray for my ears!!) so maybe we'll have to include that in the something awesome. It has been so much fun taking scuba diving lessons with my best friend. I'm so thankful that Ben was willing to do it with me. It has definitely been one of the highlights of my year (minus the bleeding ears!). You know one of the things I love the mostest about Ben? After all of these years he still gives me butterflies! Not too shabby for 15 years. I love you babe!
2. Skylar never ceases to amaze us. She has had another great year striving to do her best in all of the activities she has been involved in. She has made the high honor roll and been student of the week and continues to learn Spanish very well. She has loved participating in her school's chorus and has gotten so good at playing the piano that she's far surpassed my measly skills. She's also really excelled in dance this year, trying out for and being accepted as the youngest one in the Jr. Company at her dance studio. She has loved being in activity days, even if I'm not her leader, and goes above and beyond in all the achievements she has to pass off. She is excitedly counting down the moments until she is in YW next year! Gasp! She stays really busy but she's loving it! We love you Skylar!3. Nickolas is also doing great and is soooo excited that he finally began to lose his teeth this year after such a long wait! He started in the Spanish immersion program at our school this year and he's really doing well and loving to learn to speak another language. He's been involved in karate, baseball, and soccer throughout the year and has really loved each activity. He continues to be the sweetest thing ever with lots of hugs for everyone, especially his lucky mom, who loves and needs those hugs. This next year is very exciting because he has chosen to be baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints after he turns 8 in April. We're so thankful for his good choice and his desire to do what is right. He's also made the goal to read the Illustrated Book of Mormon before he is baptized. We love this kid!!4. McKade is growing up! He got to celebrate his big 5th birthday at the happiest place on earth, Disneyland! He graduated from joy school and preschool and finally got to start kindergarten this year after eagerly anticipating it forever! He loves school and loves to learn, to read, and especially loves having and making so many friends in his class. He did tennis, t-ball, and soccer this year and really rocked at all of them. He is excited to start karate this week and get some new skills. He continues to crack us up constantly with his funny and crazy personality and loves to get a laugh. I always tell him that he's the classic middle child, a title he proudly bears, with a sister and brother older and a sister and brother younger than him. He never forgets Gabriel in anything we do. What a great big brother! We love you Kadybug!5. Alexis is also growing up, although she still loves to be our baby girl. She started joy school this year and has loved going to school with all of her little friends. Our tiny dancer loves, loves, loves to dance and has loved being in her first dance class this year. She also loves to dress up and dance for us all of the time. We've got a star in the making! Today was her first day in primary as a Sunbeam. It was very, very hard for Mom to see her littlest one here looking so big because I'm definitely not ready for this stage, but Alexis is so eager to be in Primary and loves to learn about the gospel. Little miss sassy is also loads of fun and continues to be such a joy to our family. She definitely rules the roost as our princess. Everyone caters to Lex because she's just so darn cute! We love you Louie!!6. Gabriel has continued to be such a blessing in our lives. We love the moments that we can feel his presence in our lives and the strength he gives us to go on without him physically here. The days that we spend remembering and honoring him are always our best days. We were so thankful to everyone that joined us to celebrate his 1st birthday. The love and support we felt that day has been such a blessing to us. We are so thankful for our little boy's amazing example and for the desire he puts in our hearts to strive to always be better so that we can be with him again. We love you little Gabriel!!7. Our awesome Disneyland trip was such a highlight of the year. We loved being able to go to continue in our tradition of celebrating 5th birthdays there with Kade being the guest of honor this year. We also had the chance to go on a whale watching trip (minus the whales, but lots of dolphins!), Sea World, and Universal Studios. We were blessed to get a condo through my dad's timeshare right on the beach. I was in absolute heaven as we fell asleep to the sound of the surf every night. It was awesome!8. Ben's job has been such a blessing to us during these hard economic times. We've unfortunately had many years of job insecurity with the companies he has worked for in the past. It was always such a burden to not know if he was going to get paid or if his company would even be in business from day to day. The job he has now at Solution Stream has been wonderful. They treat their employees very well and the company is very stable, which is such a great sense of peace to us. Ben has had the opportunity to do many different things and they truly value his work which is great. We feel very blessed that Ben found this job when he did and that it has worked so well for him and our family.

9. My calling in Young Women has been such a blessing. My patriarchal blessing states specifically that I will serve in the presidencies of the young women. I've always felt like this is where I was meant to be and have actually been greatly anticipating the time I would be called to Young Women. I served in three different capacities in the Young Women during the year of 2011....first camp director, then Beehive advisor, and now the Beehive Counselor. It has been wonderful to feel like I'm just where I'm supposed to be, even if some of the circumstances in my callings have been hard for me to bear. I love the girls that I serve and the amazing example they are to me. I'm sure I am learning from them much more than they are learning from me, but I hope that I can be the leader that they need.

10. We have truly been blessed with amazing friends. I'm so thankful, everyday, for the gift that my friends are in my life. There are so many that have been there through the good times and the bad. I know that I never would've been able to survive the last complete year without Gabriel without the help of my friends....the visits, the hugs, the e-mails, the texts. So many have truly been there right when I needed them. We have also had some awesome good times with our dear friends and created some wonderful memories that will last us a lifetime.
So once again, the blessings we enjoy definitely make up for the trials we've had. I am so thankful for that, but still, I'm more than ready to say goodbye to 2011.

Welcome 2012!!!
We are very hopeful that this will be a great year for us!!

Gabriel's Gift to Us

2011-12-31T15:54:00.017-07:00

I'm sure we'll always think of Gabriel at Christmas because he was planned to be our "Christmas baby". I hope that it won't always carry the deep pain that it does now and that someday the knowledge of Christ's birth and what it means for our family and our little angel waiting for us will be the thing that stands out to us the most when we celebrate every Christmas without him here. I hope that we can always find a way to incorporate him into our Christmas though. We started the tradition last year of picking one of our goals for the new year and dedicating it to Gabriel. That would be our Christmas gift to him each year...to strive to make ourselves better so that we can ensure that we'll get to be with Gabriel, our Savior, and our Heavenly Father again. It has been so good to remember our gift to Gabriel while striving for our new goals throughout the year. Last year my goal was to go to the temple more often which made me feel so close to Gabriel and so loved by him and our Heavenly Father.

I've wanted to also find a way that something that our family receives for Christmas will be something to remind us of Gabriel. Last year our kids each got an angel bear that they all keep by their beds to watch over them. We also got our beautiful Simon Dewey portrait In His Constant Care that reminds us each day that our precious Gabriel is safe in the arms of our Savior. Those things have brought us such comfort when we're missing him.

As Christmas approached this year I couldn't come up with something that just felt right as our gift from Gabriel. This year was almost as hard as last year and with the depression I've been battling, the task seemed almost overwhelming to find the perfect thing that would help us to feel like he was a part of our Christmas. Then one day, j ust 10 days befo re Christmas, I received a package in the mail. As I looked at the return address, I just started shaking and tears instantly sprung to my eyes. I knew exactly what the package contained. It was Gabriel's Molly Bear.

Molly Bears was founded by a woman who's own baby girl, Molly, was stillborn. In her need to remember her baby girl, she created a weighted bear that weighed the same as Molly had. It brought so much comfort to her family that she began making them, free of cost, for other bereaved parents. They started in August 2010, the same month that Gabriel was born. Shortly after he died, I somehow ran across the Molly Bear page and ordered my own Gabriel Bear. I was #533 on the waiting list so I didn't expect to see it anytime soon and honestly, I'd kind of forgotten about signing up to get one....until I saw that package.

I haven't shared many of the moments that I have felt Gabriel's presence in our lives because they are very sacred and humbling experiences that I hold very dear to my heart, but he is with us all of the time. I know this. We feel him. We feel his love. We know that he is such an important part of our family. I know, without a doubt, that he had a hand in getting his Molly Bear to us, at the perfect time, right when we needed some way for him to somehow be with us at Christmas.

Here's Gabriel's Molly Bear. Isn't it just the cutest thing? I absolutely love it!Each Molly Bear is weighted as close to the baby's weight as possible. Gabriel only weighed 2 oz....just tiny. The bear we received weighs 4 oz. and is about double the length of him, about as close as they can get to the weight for a baby as small as he was. I love holding the bear in my hand and remembering a little how it felt to hold my precious baby boy there. I still feel his weight in my hand and I'm so thankful for that. I hope that feeling never goes away. My favorite thing about his bear is the tiny hand on it's chest. It's the same size that little Gabriel's hand was, just about the size of my fingernail. It is just completely perfect to have that little hand to remind my of my baby boy's perfect little hand.The very last present that we opened on Christmas morning was Gabriel's Molly Bear. Everyone just loved and cuddled it immediately. I told the kids the story of how it got to be here and how I know he helped to get it to us for Christmas. I'm still in awe of just how perfect this present from our little Gabriel is. Thank you Gabriel for showing your family the love we needed this Christmas! We love you! We love you! We love you!

Christmas!!

2011-12-31T14:33:00.028-07:00

We got the special treat of the kids sleeping in on Christmas day until their usual waking time of 7:30! That was awesome because Ben & I had been up way late!! We actually got like 3 hours of sleep! Whoohoo!! Once the kids were up and Nick had shown us his tooth fairy & extra Santa present, everyone was so excited to go downstairs and see what Santa had brought!! We always make them wait on the stairs until we have the cameras are ready. It's the toughest moments of patience all year! The kids always run for their stockings first! We all got lightsabers in our stockings and of course Nick & Kade had to get a battle in before we could even check out what was under the tree.
Santa definitely came!! Our rockstar, Skylar, finally got the guitar (but we call it a contaur, right Sky?) she's always wanted! It's pretty awesome because it even says her name on it since the company that makes them is called Sky. She also got a new camera. Now there's two of us taking a million pictures!
Nick was stoked to get a really fast RC car, Legos, and Ben 10 figures!
Getting a picture of Kade opening his presents was nearly impossible! Crazy kid! He was so thrilled to get a flipping RC car, Trios, and Legos!
Alexis only ever asked for two things when we asked her what she wanted for Christmas...the pink princess castle and a "Tinana" doll. Her wishes were granted!She also got some cooking stuff. How cute does Alexis look in her new chef attire?Ben's favorites were an awesome statue of Obi-Wan and the anti-freeze ice cream scoops that I got him, of course! I loved getting such personal thoughtful gifts from my kids (and my Ben, who helped them). Kade got me a dragonfly necklace that matches my Gabriel ring perfectly. I adore it. Nick got me the Willow Tree Forget-me-not statue that I love. My girls and Ben made me a personal sign with our family picture and the quote from Jeffrey R. Holland, "Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come." It has dragonflies all over it. I absolutely love it and the thought that went into it!The kids always trade names with each other and have so much fun picking out the perfect gift for their siblings. They're always among the favorites!We also got a lot of family gifts...lots of DVDs and Wii games and Ben's work hooked us up with a new I-pod!
The kids were super ecstatic with the new car we got!! My parents bought a new couch and got the bonus of buying this RC car for just $30. They asked us if we wanted it. Of course we did!! We looked like heroes to our kids! Thanks mom & dad for the hook up!! Also thanks to our awesome friends, the Coxs, who stored it at our house and even put it together for us (including batteries and all!) so it was all ready to go Christmas morning!! That was seriously awesome!!
We ran out of time and had to hurry and have our traditional yummy breakfast of cinnamon rolls & breakfast casserole and then get ready for church. We had to pause the present opening for a bit until we were all ready. I wish I would have taken a picture of all of the kids in their Christmas outfits. They all looked so adorable! At least here's Alexis's with Kade in the background. The outfits are the same as our family picture. We went to church and the program was so beautiful. The choir did an amazing job and the 2nd counselor in our bishopric gave a wonderful talk. I actually had to say the closing prayer! Talk about pressure on a special occasion like Christmas!!

Later on after we cleaned up a bit and took some really good naps, Ben's mom, brother, Dave, and sister, Jessi, came over for dinner and more presents! We also got to skype with Ben's other sister, Emily, who lives in Arizona. The kids love skyping with Auntie Em!
The kids had so much fun with their little cousin, Kye.We had a relaxing and fun time together! We had a really wonderful day! I loved that we were able to go to church and talk about the real meaning of Christmas, especially on the day it is often forgotten with so many new presents. I am so thankful for the birth of the Savior and for the meaning it has to me personally. What a blessing to know that He has made our forever family a possibility through His birth, His death, and His atonement....the very best gifts ever!

All I Want for Christmas.....

2011-12-31T12:34:00.018-07:00

Nick has been waiting forever to lose his two front teeth! They have honestly been loose for a month or two but just weren't making their way out. The dentist even asked Nick a month ago if he wanted to pull them out but he refused. We decided that Christmas was the perfect time to get them out so that Nick could ask for his two front teeth for Christmas. Not every kid gets lucky enough to actually ask for those!
We tried the old tie the string to the tooth, slam the door trick, which totally worked for Skylar. We strung Nick up and Ben slammed the door...and the string fell off...but not the tooth! We seriously tried this like 10 times before we gave up!
We even tried having him eat all sorts of teeth losing things but to no avail.
On Christmas Eve Eve we decided that enough was enough and that it was time to try again.

The last picture of Nick with his two front teeth....can you see how they are jutting out all funny like? He was starting to look silly!
We decided to just try to have Ben pull it out instead of relying on the door trick.
It worked!! One tooth gone!
Then we realized that we actually had lost Nick's tooth for real!! When it came out we had all heard it hit the floor and then it disappeared. We searched all over the kitchen and living room for it, sweeping and pulling furniture out. We finally found it about a half hour later downstairs! It had flown from the kitchen all the way down. So glad we could find it so the tooth fairy could do her job that night!
After wiggling his tooth all day long on Christmas Eve, the second tooth was hanging by a thread. It was time to take that baby out!
We decided that this time we needed to do pull it on the carpet so it wouldn't get lost! Nick counted down and then Ben pulled!
Toothless! Nick wasn't too happy after...that one really hurt to come out!
But Christmas morning was different! Nick was super excited when he woke up to find that not only had the tooth fairy visited and left him a whopping 5 bucks since it was a very special occasion, but that Santa also left him a present by his bed...along with this note:Merry Christmas Toothless!!

Christmas Eve

2011-12-31T00:15:00.032-07:00

We had our annual Christmas Eve family party at my mom & dad's. Almost everyone was there! Here's most of the grandkids! My kids love their cousins!!
My brother and all of his kids, minus Dylan who is on a mission in Mexico, were there. My sister, Steph, was there but I don't have any pics of her and her husband, Jim. Sorry Steph! We had a new member of the family with us this year, Kelly Ann, my nephew Mark's new wife. Last year on Christmas Eve we were so excited that Mark was about to pop the question and now we have a fun new niece and cousin! She even joined in on the cousin dog pile on top of Marky!! My aunts, Yvonne and Mary Jo, and my uncle, Allen, and his wife, Marcia, were there to celebrate with us. My grandma was definitely missed. Every Christmas Eve of my life has been spent with her and it was so strange to have her gone. We miss you sooooo much Grandma!!!
We had a little talent show. Skylar played Do You Hear What I Hear? from her piano recital and did an excellent job!Nick played Away in a Manger beautifully.
Kade decided that his talent was reading us the Star Wars Alphabet. He has this thing memorized! It is quite a talent!!
Alexis performed both of her dances from her recital with a little help from Skylar leading. She did so good!!
Everyone loved Alexis's dances so much that they wanted to do it with her. So while Nick played Up on the Housetop on the piano, Skylar led all of the girls in Alexis's dance. How cute are they?!?
Then we dressed up for our nativity program. Skylar was the angel, Nick was Joseph, and Kade and Alexis were both shepherds this year.
I love seeing the kids act out the nativity. It's a tradition we've done all of my life.
Then it was time to open presents from the grandparents and cousins!!
I hope my parents liked the family tree I made for them...I know my brother, Al, loved the Kindle us siblings got for him! My brother reads more than anyone I know, even Skylar! Finally at the end of the night the kids put on their new Christmas pjs and we headed home.
The stockings were hung by the computer with care....We checked Santa's progress on the Santa Tracker and knew he was getting close!

So after some tooth pulling (next post!), the cookies and milk and carrots for the reindeer came out and we headed off to bed where we read the Night Before Christmas before settling our heads.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Ode to the Rocky

2011-12-31T00:14:00.015-07:00

We had yet another goodbye this Christmas break....we said goodbye to our Daihatsu Rocky. Yes, we finally sold the Rocky! I can't believe we did it and it still kind of makes me sad, even if it was just a car. We have had the Rocky since Ben and I were first dating. It was my dream car back in the day and so much fun to drive! We took it on our honeymoon to Yellowstone. It's joined us on so many adventures! The kids have loved whenever they've had the chance to go for a bumpy ride or do donuts in the parking lot across from our house on snowy days. It has been part of our family as long as we've been a family.

We've always felt a little frivolous for having three cars. Seriously, we only have 2 drivers! But the Rocky has been paid off since I got it since my parents helped me buy it before they left for their mission, so we've only been paying for registration and insurance on it for all of those 15 years. When we bought our Echo, that was our family car....yes, we ended up smooshing 3 kids into that teeny car! Ben still drove the Rocky then. Since we had the Echo paid off when it was finally time to move to a minivan with Alexis on the way, we decided that the benefit of having the Rocky's four wheel drive for Ben's YM campouts and snowy commuting days was good enough reason to keep it even though we didn't need it anymore. We finally decided that since Ben isn't commuting as much anymore, it was time to let it go. We've had a few families in our ward that have been asking us for years to buy it and we finally gave in and sold it to one of them. Who knew the Rocky was so very wanted?

Before we sold it the kids begged for one last ride. Since we only can fit two of them in the backseat, we had to go in shifts! The girls and I went to the car wash and drove all around the neighborhoods and the boys and I drove up the beautiful canyon for one last adventure in our awesome Rocky!We also all had one final picture with our dear Rocky....So the Rocky is now missing from the curb. We've already had friends stop by wondering if we even still live in our house because the Rocky was gone. I have loved that we've gotten to have it this long! It feels so weird to have it gone....especially when we see it parked at our friends' house just a block away. I guess it's good to still be able to see it and know that the new owners are now enjoying it. We'll miss you Rocky!! You totally rocked!!

Ode to the Abillas

2011-12-30T17:51:00.017-07:00

I have the most amazing friend, Angie. Truly she is one of my greatest heroes. She is loving and generous and kind and strong and so much more. I feel so very blessed to have her as a friend. I know that we were meant to be friends. Heavenly Father has confirmed that to me so many times.

Angie and I met at Denny's, yes Denny's, way back in 1994 when were both new at college. She was there with our friends from the Numbs and it was like instant friendship. I just loved her from the start! We bonded and hung out for a few months before she moved back home. Then she still couldn't get away from us. My roommates and I went out to stay with her awesome family in California and had such a blast! Here's us looking all old school and stuff! Honestly, I had the best hair, right?
Angie and I stayed in touch through letters before the interweb thing came along...some of which I still have and they crack me up! She was there through all the drama and romance of Ben and I. Angie married her high school sweetheart, Pete, when he got home from his mission, and moved a block away from us when they came out to go to school at BYU. Later that year I married my Ben and Angie was there in the temple with us, pregnant with her first baby. We ended up being in the same BYU student stake and although we didn't get together as often as I'd have liked, we saw each other at every stake conference. It was so fun to see Angie's family grow! She had 2 babies and one on the way before they left BYU and their littles were so darn adorable! I think Ben's big push to begin a family came from seeing just how fun Pete and Angie's family was. Pete and Angie moved back to Chicago for graduate school and sadly, we lost contact.

Then one night I had a crazy dream about Angie and hanging out in San Fransisco with her! I woke up the next morning and knew I had to find my long lost friend. I googled her, found her blog, started reading it, and noticed the most amazing thing ever. Her son's baptism pictures were in front of our stake center! I could not believe it! I commented and asked where the heck their family was and Angie replied and we found out we lived 2 blocks away from each other!! I was in awe that we had been so close for a couple of years and hadn't every known. We quickly got together and bonded all over again!

Angie's sweet family had grown from 3 babies to 6 by then! Over the last few years she's added 3 more babies to her beautiful family and it's been so wonderful to see their family so happy! I totally stole this picture, Angie, but I had to show off your gorgeous family!! All so adorable!!

One of the best bonuses of finding Angie again was that her boys are the perfect friends for my boys. They've had so much fun throughout the years going to preschool together, playing soccer together, and having all sorts of fun play dates. We love the Abilla boys!!

Well, all good things can not last and sadly we had to say goodbye (for now) to our dear friends, the Abillas. They got a great job opportunity and have moved to Tennessee for awhile and then will be headed onto Asia! Wow! I'm not sure we'll end up living in the same stake again, but you never know!

We hardly had any time to prepare for the Abillas moving before it actually came but we tried to soak up as much play time as we could while they were still here.

Here's Kade & Preston:
Here's Nick with the twins, Caden & Carsen!
Two nights before they left on their new adventure we had the boys over for a late over! We had a blast playing games, watching movies, and I'm pretty sure those 5 boys consumed their weight in junk food!
Alexis is sure going to miss Preston! He's always so sweet to her and includes her. I think she has a major crush on him!Then it was time to say goodbye! There were lots of hugs and wrestling all around...and I was the only that had some tears, even though I know my boys were heartbroken to say goodbye to their awesome friends. We are soooo going to miss having the Abillas to play with. I made them promise to come visit all of the time and it's already been decided that they will all be college roommates when they come back to go to BYU.
The next day it was time for me to sneak to Angie's and say our goodbyes. Her house looked so empty and I was so afraid I'd just start sobbing. I held it together though and even though it took a hundred hugs, I finally said goodbye to my sweet friend.Angie, I love you. I will miss our long talks with our kids dying from boredom while waiting for us to stop. I will miss the love and understanding that you have always shown me. I will miss being able to just get my Angie fill whenever I need it. I'm so glad we have texting and e-mail now to stay in touch across the many, many miles. I'm so thankful that you are my friend and I know that you have truly been a gift from our Heavenly Father. You have helped me through so much, dried my tears, and shared so many laughs with me. I miss you so much already but I know that we'll forever be friends! Here's to us, sitting on the porch when we're 80 in our Converse! Love you, love you, love you!!

It's Christmas Time...

2011-12-30T14:52:00.074-07:00

Here's some of the Christmas fun we had this year:
One thing I love about Christmas is all the beautiful Christmas dresses that we got to dress up Alexis in (especially since Skylar won't dress up anymore!). She wore a different dress each week throughout the month of December...somehow I didn't catch one....and the dress from our family picture was the one she wore on Christmas day.

This one was my absolute favorite! What a little model we have!

On the Saturday of every December we usually get together with my entire family and celebrate my Grandma's birthday. This year, my grandma said that we could have the party, but she wasn't going to come. She knew it was time for her to return home to our Heavenly Father. Every year we have to rush to or from the party because Skylar always has her dance at the Festival of Trees the same day. It makes for a crazy day!! This year, there wasn't any conflict, which was so bittersweet. My grandma always felt bad that she had to miss Skylar dancing because she was the guest of honor at her party...she was the most supportive grandma & great-grandma! I hope that somehow my grandma was finally able to be there to see Skylar dance because she looked gorgeous and did an awesome job!!
Dancing away....

This was the first performance Skylar has done now that she's in the Jr. Company at her dance studio. She has improved so much & has really got the skills now! Although it's been a demanding schedule it has totally been worth it to see how much Skylar is enjoying herself!
On the way to the Festival of Trees....honestly minutes before we got there...poor Nick puked all over the car (and it was a rental from our car accident!!)!! It was a disaster! We luckily had planned for an extra few minutes before so we ran to Target, cleaned him and the car up, bought an entire new outfit for him, and barely made it back in time for Skylar to go on stage! Nick was a good sport and stayed in the stroller throughout the performance and then endured us walking around to look at the trees for a few minutes....puke bag prepared. We only saw a few cool ones before the miserable kid just couldn't stop getting sick long enough to go on and we headed home....where he continued to be sick the rest of the weekend, poor kid.

We took the kids to see the Hot Shots dance studio performance of the Nutcracker. We've been a couple of times but not for a couple of years. It is the perfect version for kids...plus it's not pricey!! It was Kade's and Alexis's first time seeing it. Alexis absolutely LOVED it! She was dancing in her seat and her eyes were completely glued to the stage! She now recognizes Nutcracker music whenever she hears it and gets so excited about it. Our tiny dancer was in awe! Kade? He was "just hungry"! What a boy!

December 6th is St. Nick's Day and our kids love leaving their shoes out the night before so that we can fill them with fun things to do throughout the season. We always get a gingerbread house and little crafts for them to enjoy. This year we decided we needed to replace our old Christmas VHS movies with some DVDs since we haven't been able to watch them for years! We got the Rankin Bass set (Rudolf, Frosty, etc.), Elf, & It's a Wonderful Life. I love all of those shows! We had a blast watching them throughout the month!

The kids love this tradition and so do I!I even made special breakfast treats for St. Nick's Day...which I hope made up for the fact that we totally spaced making our traditional sweet rolls for St. Lucia's Day this year!!

December 6th is also Children's Day and that night every year is the Christmas Box Angel candlelight ceremony at cemeteries across the country to remember little angels gone to soon. This is our second year without our little Gabriel and it was so good to go again. We decided to attend the ceremony in SLC this year because the statue there has significance to us. It was a beautiful program with wonderful speakers and music.
We all got to hold a candle and place a white rose on the statue in remembrance of our little Gabriel. It choked me up to see how tenderly each of the kids laid their rose down for their little brother. They love him and miss him so much.One of the speakers at the ceremony was the author of the Christmas Box, Richard Paul Evans. We had the chance to meet him and talk to him for a few minutes. I told him how much his books had helped me get through Christmas and the last year without my baby and he gave me a giant hug and a kiss on the cheek. It was sort of weird, but very kind of him!
Our family with the beautiful statue....Long story short, the guy who took our picture asked me to take his picture and it turned out to be a very long process! We were some of the last few there in the cemetery. I guess it was worth it because I could take a picture of the amazing statue with all of the roses left for the sweet babies gone too soon. It was breathtaking and heartbreaking at the same time.
On the way home, we drove by Temple Square. We always make it to see the lights but this year we just couldn't swing it (we've had sick kids all the last week!) and so this was our only Temple Square "visit" this year!
Alexis had her first dance recital! It was absolutely adorable!! She was so excited to dance onstage and did such a beautiful job on both of her dances (she's on the far left in both). Here she is in her costume for I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas....Her second dance was Up on the Housetop. Alexis is such a sweet tiny dancer!

We had our ward party and Skylar got to be a part of the wonderful Nativity as one of the angels.
Then we got to meet Santa!
Someone (Kade) got the CRAZY idea that we needed to have one more cookout before winter really hit. Somehow he talked us into it too! So we had a cookout & it was freezing!! We roasted hot dogs and marshmallows and made s'mores and tried to stay as warm as we could by the fire.

As freezing cold as it was, we had a fun time bundling up and cooking out! Plus the s'mores were worth it!!

We took a trip to the Riverwoods for FHE so that we could look at the lights and go on a carriage ride. The line was ginormous!! The kids played around while we waited.
But it was sooooo cold! We were thankful for the warm fires to warm up a little.

Finally...our turn!!
Dad cuddled with the girlsies while I cuddled with the boysies.

Of course we had to thank the horse for taking us on our fun, all be it freezing, carriage ride!

We had the Joy school Christmas party at our house this year. Alexis was a shepherd and looked so sweet doing her part. All of the Joy school graduates helped out in the production!

Our cute group!! Mary and Joseph couldn't keep their eyes off each other. :)
Skylar and Nick had their piano recital. It was Nick's first recital and he did such a great job! Skylar played Do You Hear What I Hear? and Nick played Away in a Manger. They both did wonderful!

We went to Ben's family's Christmas party. It was fun to see family visiting from as far as Oregon and even Malaysia! Ben's baby brother, Jesse, challenged Ben to an arm wrestle...Ben won....for now...but he does have 21 years on Jesse! It's so great to be able to see Grandma and Grandpa Jordan, the only (great) grandparents we have living!

We did our traditional Jordan, Tong, & Hoen visit to the Festival of Lights! It's always so fun to go see all of the fun lights and then head back to one of their houses for lots of snacking and fun games, which of course I don't have pictures of, but let's just say that if I did, you'd see some awesome dance moves! Such a fun Hordong Christmas tradition!

The kids had an entire week off of school before Christmas, which I thought would be great, but since I was such a slacker at getting ready for Christmas this year, we didn't have time to do much during the day....which was a total bummer when our kids were sick this week so we still didn't do anything!! We did make our gingerbread house and that was um, interesting! Let's just say there were tears and hurt feelings because everyone wanted it done "their way". Ahhh....kids!

One of the days, our friends, the Coxs, were nice enough to have my kids over while I did some last minute tasks. Their kids built a giant blanket fort and the kids had a blast playing in it!
Later we went to the Thanksgiving Point lights.
The Coxs brought their truck and when we got there, the brave ones piled in the truckbed so they could see the lights. It was sooooo cold and windy that night! I was more than happy to sit in the front with Heidi and little Lex where we were nice and toasty. The kids and the dads had fun all bundled in the back though!
On our way home we had our annual Christmas light scavenger hunt. The girls won of course! :) Plus we got to see this really cool BYU house! Our Cougar fans were in heaven!
We barely got Santa's Christmas letters off to him this year. The kids had written them long before but we were slackers about getting them sent off. Good thing that Santa has elves to help out us procrastinators!
My poor family, I'm just not a baker...but Christmas cookies for Santa are the exception! They are a must have to thank him for his hard work! We had a fun time making them and decorating them!

Might I add that Alexis had a blast!!!
As hard as this Christmas has been, it has been good to be able to spend time with the kids enjoying the fun traditions we have and were able to continue. I've always loved this season, and despite the pain it holds, it still brings me joy to share these traditions and fun activities with my amazing kids!

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-29T14:44:00.009-07:00

Today I'm thankful for the wonderful friends that have remembered Gabriel during this Christmas and as we face the ache of this next week that we would've been celebrating his first birthday if he were here. Thank you for the poinsettia, the beautiful ornaments, the e-mails, the texts, and the hugs. Acts that you may think of as so simple, but yet they mean so much to us during this painful time of year for us. You'll never understand what a gift your remembrance of him is to us. We truly cherish it.

Our Christmas Card

2011-12-25T14:36:00.003-07:00

Haha. We don't do Christmas cards anymore!! But we sure do love to receive them! Thanks to everyone that has sent us one! We love staying updated on your lives.

We did get an actual family picture taken this year because my mom & dad insisted on it for their upcoming 50th anniversary (wow!). Thanks for making us because I think they turned out good and our last one was when Alexis was 3 months old & now she's 3 years old!!

Merry Christmas from the Jordans!!!Ben, Cyndi, Skylar (10), Nick (7 1/2), McKade (5 1/2), & Alexis (3)

Sleep in Heavenly Peace

2011-12-24T11:19:00.006-07:00

We love you our precious baby Gabe!!
Merry Christmas in Heaven!!

Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
with tiny lights like Heaven’s stars reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away that tear
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
but the sound of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you of the joy their voices bring
for it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?
I'll ask Him to lift your spirit as I tell Him of your love
so then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.
Please let your hearts be joyful and let your spirit sing
for I am spending Christmas in Heaven and I’m walking with the King.
-Wanda White (1999)

We also love and miss you Grandma as you celebrate your first Christmas in heaven!

Thankful Thursday....there's still my joy

2011-12-22T10:31:00.004-07:00

I woke up with the heaviest heart and just aching for Gabriel. Oh how I miss him. Christmas this year has been the worst. I feel so sad and hopeless and my Christmas spirit is at zilch. I'm also aching for friends that are having an even worse Christmas than I am with more losses and painful angelversaries.....pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. Yet, I'm determined to make this Christmas good for my kids because they deserve it so I'm going through the motions, trying to be "normal" for them. I'm also striving to remember that with the miracle of Christmas and our Savior's birth, there is hope and there is joy. I will be with my son again and I will always have the blessing of being his mother, even if I have to wait a lifetime to hold him again.

"Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come." ~Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Today I'm thankful that, despite the ache and pain, there's still my joy.....

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-15T15:30:00.004-07:00

Today I'm thankful for the perfect surprise package that just came in the mail. I can't reveal what it is because I'm saving it for Christmas, but it was exactly what I needed today. God does love me....and so does my baby boy.

Thankful Thursday

2011-12-08T16:30:00.014-07:00

I don't know if I'm hiding it very well, but I'm so very depressed. Gabriel will always be the late Christmas present we didn't get to have and this entire season, all about a baby, will probably always just makes me ache for the baby I love so much but didn't get to keep. I miss my baby boy. I wish he was here for his first Christmas, his first birthday, his first everything. This year feels even more hopeless with all the other disappointments we've had in the last year that have compounded my grief. I think it's also harder because everyone else has moved on...the grief far outlives the support, and I know that, but it's hard to not feel like I'm able to move on and find joy again myself. I can't remember the last day that I didn't break down sobbing over and over again just missing Gabriel and especially just missing the life of happiness I used to have. I wonder if I'll ever find my way back to happy again. It's a very hopeless feeling to be so depressed that you can't even begin to know how to make yourself happy. Many would say happiness is a choice, but believe me, if I could choose it, I would've by now.

Yet, I know I am blessed. I feel so much gratitude for the things I have been given, even through the pain and heartache. It's in recognizing all I have that I'm able to keep going when I feel like I can't stand one more second of the disappointments and trials that never seem to go away or lighten. So I'm starting Thankful Thursdays because I desperately need them.

Today, although I don't always know what Heavenly Father's plans are for my life here on earth, I am thankful that I do know what His plan is for me and all of us for the eternities. It makes me want to strive every day to be worthy of what lies ahead in that great eternal plan.

I'm thankful for this video that reminded me today that despite the "dreams unrealized, ambitions unfulfilled, and hopes vanquished" that there is still so much to look forward to:

Wish I knew them too.....

2011-12-08T14:06:00.000-07:00

With Gratitude in Our Hearts.....Days 21-30

2011-11-30T23:13:00.037-07:00

11/21/11

Ben-books, Cyndi- joy school, Skylar-monkeys, Nick-monkeys, Kade-monkeys, Alexis-monkeys....silly little monkeysI'm so thankful for Joy school and for all of these sweet little pilgrims!! We have such a fun group! I'm so excited that, after 7 years, I finally got to teach the fun Thanksgiving lesson! I love having the chance to teach my own kids about the joys of this world. I'm thankful for all of the awesome moms that help teach my kiddos such great stuff!!

11/22/11

Ben-scuba diving, Cyndi-friends, Skylar-turkeys, Nick-garbage cans, Kade-tacos, Alexis-bananas
Today I'm so grateful for all of my awesome friends, both old and new, near and far! I'm thankful for all of the wonderful memories I have of good times and bad, laughter and tears with my friends by my side. I'm thankful for the incredible examples I have to follow. I'm so lucky and blessed to have such terrific friends!!!

11/23/11

Ben-priesthood, Cyndi-5 Senses, Skylar-waffles, Nick-doctors, Kade-birthdays, Alexis-princesses
Today I'm thankful that my ear drum is not ruptured. I hurt it scuba diving up at the crater in Midway and the Dr. said it's filled with blood and fluid. Ugh! It's hurt & feels awful & every sound is still muffled...meaning that scuba diving is out for a couple of weeks...but it should heal. I'm bummed that I was so close to scuba certifying though. Dang it! I'm grateful for my usually working 5 senses that I tend to take for granted. Human bodies are amazing, even when they're in pain!!

11/24/11

Ben-family, Cyndi-Heavenly Father, Skylar-Thanksgiving dinner, Nick-house, Kade-St. Nick, Alexis-pie
I am thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows me and loves me. Every single blessing I have been given has come from Him and for that I am truly grateful. I am thankful for the love He shows me despite my many struggles and shortcomings. I have to admit that there are many days that I don't feel very loved by Him. I've had such a hard few years and I often wonder where He is in my life. Then I'll see an amazing sunset, something awesome in nature, have a friend call right when I needed someone to care, or one of my children give me the sweetest smooches and hugs, and I know that He remembers me. When you're really searching to know of His love, He will always find a way to show it. I am so grateful to be a child of God and to know who I am and know God's plan.

"God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him."
-Dieter F. Uchtdorf

11/25/11

Ben-ice cream, Cyndi-Christmas time, Skylar- 5 senses, Nick-teddy bears, Kade-numbers, Alexis-babies

Today I am thankful for Christmas time. I love decorating, the music, the lights, the excitement in my children's eyes, and the peaceful feeling the season brings. It's always been my favorite and even now that it holds some pain as I expected to have my little Gabriel born right after Christmas last year, I am thankful that the season brings hope. Without the birth of our Savior, I wouldn't have the hope to someday have my little baby boy in my arms again. I'm so thankful for the birth of our Savior and the wonderful Christmas season to remember the greatest gift our Heavenly Father could give us, His son.

11/26/11

Ben-trees, Cyndi-Adrianne, Skylar- hot chocolate, Nick-Santa Claus, Kade-leaf piles, Alexis-penguins
Ugh! I hate this picture, but I love my awesome bestie, Adrianne. As high school as it sounds, she's always there for me. She's the best!! I'm so thankful that she's not moving to Florida yet so that we can still squeeze in another few months of doing our fun traditions and that we have totally proved my dad wrong. :) We have had so many good times together and we share so many inside jokes. I love that we can laugh together, cry together, and especially that we can laugh until we cry together. Love ya, Andrean!!

11/27/11

Ben-water, Cyndi- Jesus Christ & His Atonement, Skylar-books, Nick-oxygen, Kade-oxygen, Alexis-gingerbread cookiesToday I am thankful for my brother, my friend, and my Savior, Jesus Christ, and for His atonement. I've learned that in order to feel the joy promised by the Savior, we must go into the depths of sorrow. We have to know pain and suffering so that He can teach us joy. I'm thankful that I've had to learn to depend on Him so that I can learn more about Him and what His atonement means in my life.

11/28/11

Ben-, Cyndi-Being a stay at home mom, Skylar-the sun, Nick-Kade, Kade-quiche, Alexis-blankieToday I'm thankful to be a stay at home mom. It's the best job in the world! I'm thankful that my husband has a good job that allows me be here with my kids. It's a luxury that I know not everyone can afford. I am always in awe of the families that actually do have moms working out of the home because it would be so hard to do both! I feel like my list of to-dos is never done. I'm grateful that staying at home helps me be able to help others outside of my family as well.

11/29/11

Ben-Everyone was okay in our car accident, Cyndi- modern day conveniences, Skylar-cereal, Nick-a big sister, Kade-Christmas, Alexis-Gabriel BearYep, you heard it. The kids and I got in a car accident. Thankfully, we were all fine. It was just a little fender bender with a jeep. We were waiting at a stop light, the light turned green and the car in front of me started driving, so I followed, glanced down for a nanosecond just as she stopped because the intersection was backed up....crash! I was only going like 5 miles an hour and the police didn't cite me because he said it was clearly just an accident, not due to fault, but I still felt horrible for the other driver. Her car wasn't damaged and she was okay but it's still just so inconvenient to be in an accident. She was really nice though and gave me like 5 hugs as I apologized profusely. Ugh. I hate car accidents. Seriously, hate them. So, the car above is not ours, thank heavens. We should have taken a picture but the damage was way less extensive and will be fixed soon....another thing to be thankful for. It will still be pricey though after the deductible and the rental car fees. Merry Christmas, eh?

Ironically, my thankful for today was all of the modern conveniences that I know I could live without but would never want to....cell phones, computers, internet, cars (go figure, eh?), electricity, indoor plumbing, appliances, etc. etc.

11/30/11
Ben-Cyndi (again....awww, he's the best!), Cyndi-trials, Skylar-gratitude, Nick-a little sister that is so cute, Kade-Nick, Alexis-GabeToday I'm thankful for trials. I'm thankful for six little girls and many others that remind me that when I've had a bad day/month/year that there's always others that are going through major trials too and that we're here to help one another. I'm thankful that others' examples of strength humble me to be thankful for what I've been given, even if I don't necessarily like it. I'm thankful for trials because I know that I am growing and learning through them, even when it hurts. I only hope that I can continue to see the many, many blessings I've also been given and recognize that they far outweigh the trials in my blessed life.

" Part of enduring well consists of being meek enough, amid our suffering, to learn from our relevant experiences. Rather than simply passing through these things, they must pass through us and do so in ways which sanctify these experiences for our good. Thereby, our empathy, too, is enriched and everlasting." –Neal A. Maxwell

Another month of November thankfuls are done! Our tree has been filled with the many reminders of just a few of the blessings we have been given. I know that if we continued, we could fill a forest of trees because we have been given so much. I love this tradition of ours and I can hardly wait for next November. I hope that we can remember throughout the year the many blessings we have been given and that we'll always have gratitude in our hearts.

"Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days-as much as we can-with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed."
--Thomas S. Monson

Men's Hearts Shall Fail Them

2011-11-30T22:55:00.004-07:00

I needed this today:

Thanks for showing me, Ben...and thank you always for loving me....especially when I am weak in my heart.

2011-11-30T15:35:00.006-07:00

I've had a crappy day/week/month/year. Listing all the reasons wouldn't do any good and I'm trying to accept that sometimes life just isn't fair. I'm trying to remember that my Heavenly Father knows me and loves me still, but I'm really, really struggling. I'm just making an extra request for prayers from anyone who may still be out there to help me and my family through all of this. Thanks in advance.

"Yes, Lord, I Will"

2011-11-24T23:27:00.009-07:00

Tonight, as we put our tree up, I cried. I miss Gabriel. I miss him so much. I miss that he wasn't here for his first Thanksgiving and that he won't be here to celebrate his first Christmas, followed by his first birthday. Christmas time will always be bittersweet. I'm sure I'll always wonder "what if..." Ben, of course, had just the right words for me on this day of gratitude. We can ache for what we don't have or we can be grateful for what we do. I'm so grateful that our precious angel boy Gabriel belongs to our forever family. If I had to do it all over again, knowing the heartache I'd feel, I would because he was worth it. He will always be worth it.

The White Rose

All the earth’s mothers were gathered together at God’s Garden of flowers; those beautiful budding spirits, who would someday come to earth. Were nurtured and tended in the Garden.
A loving Father spoke to the mother’s, “See the works of my hands, someday you will be the mothers of these radiant spirits.” The garden glowed with the mixture of all kinds of colors. “Choose ye,” He said.
Now in the east corner of the garden pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not as colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity which set them apart. One by one Mothers stepped forward. “I want the blue eyed, curly haired one, who will grow to maturity and be a Mother in Zion.” Yet another chose a brown eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love who would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with excitement as the others chose their own special spirits; those whom they would soon welcome into the warmth and love of an earthly home.
Once again the loving Father spoke, “But who will take the white roses, the ones in the east corner of the garden? These will return to me in purity and goodness. They will not stay long in your home for I must bring them back to my garden for they belong to me; but they will gain bodies as planned. You will miss them and long from them, but I will personally care for them.” “No”, not I many said in unison. “I couldn’t bear to give one back so soon.” “Nor I”, said others. “We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives.” The loving Father looked out across the multitude of Mothers with longing in his eyes for someone to step forward. Silence! Then He said “See the most pure and perfect of all the white one’s? I chose him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind He will be scorned, mocked and crucified. He is mine own. Will not anyone choose like unto Him? A few mothers stepped forward. “Yes, Lord, I will.” Then another, “I as well”, and “Yes we will Lord,” soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choir of the mothers.
The Father Spoke again, “Oh blessed are you who choose the White Roses. Your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding, beyond anything you can understand at this time.”
The white ones embraced their mothers, and so full was their purity and love that is filled their souls with such endearment. Each mother knew they could endure the task. Then the greatest of all the White Roses gathered them as a hen gathers chicks; and the outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, consuming all the white ones as he prepared them for their task. Each mother who bore the weight of the White Rose felt the overwhelming love of God as the all shouted, “Thy will be done.”

I love you little Gabe and miss you like crazy but feel so blessed to be your momma!

With Gratitude in our Hearts....Days 11-20

2011-11-21T14:51:00.021-07:00

11/11/11
Ben-air, Cyndi-Alexis, Skylar-Nick, Nick-toys, Kade-Alexis, Alexis-MomToday I am thankful for my beautiful happy girl, Alexis. Minus the occasional major tantrums that she is completely capable of she is such a sweet spirit that brings such joy to our family. Not many people get to see just how silly and sassy she is, but that goofy girl keeps us smiling and laughing all of the time. She has a mischievous side to her and loves to tell jokes and surprise us but for the most part she is just such a good girl and is so easy going. I honestly can take her wherever I need to and not worry about her causing trouble. She is always looking out for everyone and making sure that we're doing just what we're supposed to do and that we're happy. She's such a sweetheart. I love you sweet Lexie Lou!!

11/12/11
Ben-Nick, Cyndi-organization, Skylar-Mommy, Nick-Thanksgiving, Kade-cheese, Alexis-ThanksgivingToday I'm thankful that our office is finally cleaned after months of being the room of shame! I'm a neat freak & I need order. It's not often that I let my house get out of control, but the office is the exception. It's like the catch-all for everything and then when we get too busy, it just gets crazy and then I don't even like going in there because I can't stand it being like that. I have to say that most the cleanliness of our house comes from me...that's my job as a stay at home mom...but sometimes I need to enlist Ben and this was a definite enlist Ben kind of job. I'm glad that he likes things organized too! It was so nice to finally have a day so that we could get back to normal! Yeah for organization!!

11/13/11
Ben-Skylar, Cyndi-medicine, Skylar-Daddy, Nick-turkey s, Kade- family tree s, Alexis-milk

I am thankful for both modern medicine and alternitive medicine to help with our physical pains & ailments. I'm especially thankful for peppermint & wintergreen essential oils, Advil, dark rooms, ice packs, heating pads, & Dr. Pepper...all which helped me make it through the night & through church on this day with a major migraine. Ugh. I hate migraines...I'm not at all thankful for them!

11/14/11
Ben-sleep, Cyndi- a warm cozy bed in a warm cozy hous e, Skylar-dance, Nick-sun, Kade-school, Alexis-sleep

Well, the migraine was just the start of a miserable couple of days. The next day I was sick as a dog with a fever, body aches, and chills, and an even worse migraine. I stayed in bed the entire day and although I felt miserable, I was so thankful for a warm cozy bed in a warm cozy house with warm cozy kids to cuddle. Can you even imagine having a fever and being homeless? That would be the worst! What a blessing it is to just have a bed when you're sick! I was also thankful for the magic of Disney movies to keep my kiddles occupied.

11/15/11
Ben-Kade, Cyndi-grandparents, Skylar-school, Nick-tacos, Kade-Dad, Alexis- quesedillas

I'm thankful for my awesome grandparents! Today would have been my grandpa's 101st birthday (and my nephew, Kye's, 22nd) and for the first time in years, my grandma will be able to celebrate with him in heaven. With the holidays and my Grandma's birthday coming I've been missing her more than ever. It's kind of strange not having any living grandparents anymore and I miss them so much! I'm thankful for all of the time that I did have with them, the gift of being close to them, and their wonderful examples that always made me want to do what was right so that they would be proud of me. I'm very blessed to have had such wonderful grandparents in my life!!

11/16/11
Ben-sunset, Cyndi-compassion, Skylar-sleep, Nick-air, Kade-trees, Alexis-ice cream

Today I'm thankful for the compassion of others. I have come to realize that not everyone has the ability to "mourn with those that mourn, yea and comfort those that stand in need of comfort." I've learned that those that truly try to sympathize are few, but that they have an amazing gift. I'm thankful for those that realize and remember that my heartache of losing Gabriel will never go away and that I will miss him every single day. I am so thankful for those that have helped me in my heartaches by a giving a simple hug even if they didn't have the words to say...and for those who didn't have the words, but still have said something anyway. I know that my compassion for others has grown from simply seeing the amazing examples of others that have that gift.

"Man may dismiss compassion from his heart, but God never will." -William Cowper

11/17/11

Ben-grandparents, Cyndi-temples, Skylar-pets, Nick-my teacher, Kade-turkeys, Alexis- Joy school

Today I am thankful for temples. I'm thankful that after 3 (yes 3!) failed attempts to get to the temple this last month, that I finally was able to go that morning. I'm thankful that even though the temple I normally go to, Mt. Timpanogos, was closed, that I live close enough that I could got to Provo instead. I love the peace and comfort I receive when going to the temple. I'm also thankful to be sealed to my honey and our little ones in the temple so that ours is a forever family!

11/18/11
Ben-my mom, Cyndi-babyloss friends, Skylar-my bed, Nick-Koda, Kade-crazy stuff (silly), Alexis-Sossee (Soffee, our cat...we can't stand to correct her)

Today I'm thankful for the amazing moms and dads that I've gotten to know better or have met through losing our children. I know that our little ones have brought us together so that we can be there to support, understand, and strengthen each other. I don't know how I'd do this without them. I have come to know some of the most wonderful people with great testimonies and hope in the gospel and plan of salvation. I'm thankful for their examples of love and strength and feel blessed to call them my friends.

11/19/11
Ben-my birthday, Cyndi-the birth of Ben, Skylar-drinks, Nick-apple cider, Kade- Dad's birthday, Alexis-Daddy's birthday

Today I'm thankful for Ben...again...because when you're as super cool as he is you totally get two days. I'm sooooo thankful that he was born and that I get to spend my life with him. I'm thankful for everything he is and does. He's the best of the best!!

11/20/11
Ben-missionaries, Cyndi-Sundays, Skylar-church, Nick-to be thankful, Kade-gratitude, Alexis-Nicky

Today I'm thankful for Sundays. They are still my hardest days, but they're getting better. I'm thankful that I get to go to church and partake of the sacrament and learn more about the gospel. I'm thankful for our wonderful ward and the amazing people and my awesome friends that are in it. I'm also very thankful for Sunday naps!

Happy 37th Birthday Ben!!!

2011-11-19T12:29:00.009-07:00

Today is my wonderful Ben's 37th birthday. Yikes! We're getting old!! A few years ago I came up with my list of reasons that I'm so glad that he was born and it just keeps growing. Time to add #37 to it now. Here's just some of the many reasons I love my Ben:

1. He is my best friend in the world.

2. He's willing to be with me forever.
3. He is my perfect spoon.
4. He gave me my sweet Skylar.
5. He gave me my funny little Nicky.
6. He gave me my cuddly McKade.

7. My kids adore his every movement. He is the best dad in the world!
8. He has these beautiful dark eyes that smile when he's happy. I call them his "smiling eyes".
9. He has always treated me with greatest respect.

10. He makes me laugh, everyday.
11. He is extremely nice to everyone.
12. He's is completely selfless.
13. He stands up for what he believes. This is the first thing I fell in love with.
14. He loves Heavenly Father and tries to make him happy.
15. He honors and respects his priesthood.

16. He takes his calling in the YM Presidency seriously and his boys totally respect him.

**Um, this one is obviously old....all of those YM he had are now in his Elder's Quorum, where he's the Elder's Quorum President. Although his calling has changed, he still takes it seriously, like every calling he has. He loves serving the Lord.
17. He is the greatest example of Christlike love that I know.

18. He always tries to do the right thing.

19. I have never seen him say or do a mean thing to anybody. Honestly.
20. He supports me in all that I do.
21. He is the person that everyone can count on.

22. When I married him, a high school friend of his told me " We all think that you got the good one." I've always agreed.
23. He's willing to go on the many millions of adventures that I drag him on.
24. He lets me steal the covers and take over the bed and is still willing to sleep with me.
25. He gives me great massages, especially when I have a migraine,even though I'm horrible at giving them in return.
26. He does the dishes every night since it hurts my hands.
27. Even though he's not particularly a fan of all our pets, he is very kind to them.
28. He tolerates my obsession for a clean house and helps me to maintain it.
29. Without him, I'd be totally computer illiterate.
30. He works very hard so that I can stay home with my kids.
31. He always saves the last few pieces of popcorn for me.

32. He has always loved me unconditionally, despite my many, many faults. 33. He still gives me butterflies.

34. He gave my my sunshine Alexis.

35. He gives me support, hope, and reminders everyday of his love and Heavenly Father's love for me.

36. He gave me my forever baby, Gabriel, who we will raise together in the future.

Now for 37.....drumroll, please....

37. He is so much fun to be with...even when our ideas of "fun" can be different.

Right now, we're taking scuba diving classes!! Woot!! Woot!! I've wanted to do this FOREVER, but Ben, on the other hand, has been wanting to do this NEVER! However, since he's so stinking awesome, he has joined me on this crazy adventure! We're having such a blast together!! Thank you, Ben, for being my scuba buddy!! Imagine me signalling for us to hold hands. :)

Ben, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you....I would write it 37 times but we all know that you're the typist and I'm not great at counting. You're the best!! Smooches and loves and gushy stuff! Happy Birthday!!!!!

With Gratitude in our Hearts....Days 1-10

2011-11-11T11:16:00.022-07:00

"Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days-as much as we can-with those things which matter most. May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed."
--Thomas S. Monson

It's November and time to express the gratitude in our hearts for all the blessings that we cherish.

Our many thankfuls:

11/1/11
Ben-Cyndi (awwww), Cyndi-the whole Thanksgiving season, Skylar-friends, Nick-school (on a day he was home sick), Kade-family, & Alexis-family
I am so thankful for the Thanksgiving season. I love this time of year. I do my best to be grateful every day for every blessing that I have, but I feel as if my heart just bursts with gratitude during the month of November as we are even more reminded to be grateful and show thanksgiving. I think that it is the most appropriate way to prepare for the Christmas season by showing our Savior the thankfulness in our hearts.

11/2/11
Ben-scriptures, Cyndi-Ben, Skylar-family, Nick-food, Kade-food, Alexis-food
I am thankful every single day for my absolute favoritest person in the world...my best friend, my husband, the most amazing dad ever to my kids, and the love of my life, my Ben. I don't know how I ever got so lucky to deserve such a wonderful man to be mine. He teaches me so much, he serves me, he comforts me, and above all, he loves me more than I'll ever be worthy of. I am honestly the luckiest. Thank you Ben for choosing me. I love you, I love you, I love you....as long as forever.

11/3/11

Ben-kids, Cyndi-the priesthood, Skylar-food, Nick-medicine (still sick), Kade-cousins, Alexis-cousins
I am so thankful for the power of the priesthood and priesthood blessings that comfort me and help heal my family. I'm thankful for my husband (again) for honoring what a sacred gift it is and for always being worthy to use it when needed to bless the lives of others. Poor Nick had been sick all week and I was thankful that Ben could offer him a blessing and help him in regaining his strength. I was also thankful that Ben could offer me a blessing of comfort when my heart was heavy with hurt this week. What a blessing it is to have the restored gospel and with it the blessing of the priesthood!

11/4/11
Ben-apples, Cyndi-being a mom, Skylar-clothes, Nick-family, Kade-grandmas & grandpas, Alexis- grandmas & grandpasI am so grateful for the wonderful privilege of being a mom. It's the toughest job in the world....runny noses, disturbed sleep, crazy messes, tantrums, and meltdowns....but it's also the most rewarding....sweet notes and drawings, slobbery smooches, "Me loves you"s, proud moments, and lots of hugs and cuddles. It's everything I've ever wanted to do and be and I never take the gift that it is for granted. I'm so blessed to be the mother of my 5 amazing children!

11/5/11
Ben-weekends, Cyndi-my parents, Skylar-nature, Nick-his BFF, Dylan Tong, Kade- Dylan Tong, Alexis-Amy TongWhat a blessing it is to, like Nephi, say that I have been born of goodly parents (above with goofball Alexis). I'm so thankful for my wonderful parents who have always sacrificed and been great examples of Christ-like love and service to others and the Lord. They have a deep love for others and for their family and strive to show that through their kindness and generosity. They have faced numerous trials but through it they have shown great faith and determination. I am thankful that they are also awesome grandparents, always willing to watch our kids and going out of their way to support their many grandkids in the activities that they do. I love you Mom & Dad!

11/6/11
Ben-fasting, Cyndi-my calling in YW, Skylar-the gospel, Nick-pets, Kade-the Mario gang, Alexis-powdered sugar

I don't know if I've mentioned on this old bloggy that I have a new calling...I am now the 2nd Counselor in the Young Women....so I guess that's called the Beehive Counselor, right? When our bishopric member asked me to accept this new calling I was so relieved that I wasn't getting released from working with my Beehive girls because I have grown to love all of them so much! We have so much fun together and it's awesome to see the testimonies of these awesome girls grow. We have such wonderful girls in our entire young women and they have taught me so much already. I love them all, but I especially love my Beehives!!

11/7/11
Ben-massages, Cyndi-Skylar, Skylar- missionaries, Nick-sleep, Kade-missionaries, Alexis-missionaries I'm so grateful for the girl who made me a mom, my sweet Skylar. I think we've gotten to the point where I'm learning so much more from her than she is from me. She is a great example of loving life and striving to do her best in all she does. She is a wonderful friend and is very thoughtful of others and I am thankful that I can call her my friend. She always tries to choose the right and is turning into an amazing young woman (gasp!) with a strong testimony of the gospel and its goodness. She's just an awesome girl! I love you Sky!!

11/8/11
Ben-friends, Cyndi-Nick, Skylar-Gabe, Nick-Mom, Kade-magic, Alexis-hairI'm so grateful for that amazing boy of mine, Nickolas. Whenever I feel as if no one in the world cares, Nick is there with a hug out of the blue just to remind me that someone loves me. He has the kindest, most sensitive heart and always strives to make others happy. I love that Nick has a passion for animals and treats them with such awe and kindness. Nick is such a creative kid and I love his desire to experiment and figure out how things work. He is just awesome! I love you Nicky Duncy!!

11/9/11
Ben-Gabe, Cyndi-Gabe, Skylar- Lexi Lou, Nick-Dad, Kade-Gabe, Alexis-SkyI am so very thankful for my precious baby boy, Gabriel. 15 months ago on this day we learned that the hopes and dreams we had for Gabe being in our family were going to be drastically changed and that we'd spend a lifetime missing him. I'm thankful for every moment that I got to spend with him before that, for the time I got to know his busy personality through his little kicks, for the precious moments I got to hold his perfect little body in my arms, and for the moments that I still feel him in our lives. I'm thankful for his example and for the greater desire he has put in my heart to always strive to be better in all I do so that I can be with him again. I love you baby boy, forever.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
--Joseph B. Wirthlin

11/10/11
Ben-Alexis, Cyndi-Kade, Skylar-Kade, Nick-rain, Kade-Mom, Alexis-Kade

I am so grateful for my full of energy and "cookiness" (his words), McKade. Kade is by far my craziest kid but that also means that he's a lot of fun! That kid will do anything for a laugh and has such an awesome personality. I love that he's willing to try things and has a desire to do so many things. We have some great adventures planned! He is very friendly, makes friends easily, and he's totally loyal to his friends, especially his ladies. :) He is especially good at helping others and always wants to be of service. He's also pretty darn good at cuddling. I love you my Kadybug!!

Incomplete

2011-11-10T21:16:00.007-07:00

I get the question all of the time...how many kids do you have? I always answer 5 because how could I deny that Gabriel is my child? I carried him in my body for 19 weeks, I felt him move, I talked to him, I held him in my arms, I love him. Heavenly Father gave me that incredible little boy to be his mother....and he will always be my child....so of course I will include him.

There's the times when people just count who they see and assume we have 4. I very rarely correct them if they are a stranger who I'll never see again and it would mean an entire story to go into while they are just making small talk. I always feel a little guilty but I hope that Gabriel understands that I'm not forgetting him, because in those moments I can't help but ache remembering that he's still mine, just not for now.

We get a lot of people saying, "Oh how did you get so lucky with two girls and two boys?" or "Wow! The perfect little family." and today I even got "You've got it so perfect...don't go messing with it by having a 5th one." Yes, from a stranger. Ugh.

I wonder if they see the pain behind my eyes. I wonder if they see my little ones flinch and look at me with pain in their own eyes because they know that what may seem like the "perfect family" really isn't because they've got a little brother that no one remembers. Gabriel's a part of our family but it's so hard for people not to see that...and especially harder when the people that know don't even want to see it either. We're really, now and for the rest of our lives, incomplete.

Halloween Festivities

2011-11-04T15:47:00.058-06:00

I know not everyone is a fan of Halloween, but we dig it! While the candy and super spooky stuff is not our thing, the fun of the season is and so we really love getting into it. This year seemed like somehow the whole season flew by in a flash and we didn't have many chances to enjoy it. We never even got in a spooky movie or watched Young Frankenstein, a family favorite. But we did have some Halloween fun.

The Joy school Halloween parade is always awesome. It's so fun to see the cute kids all dressed up.
The family theme continues! I love how much fun we have doing this. The kids always love planning out the costumes, almost two years in advance, and it's so fun to see it all come together. This year....the crew of Peter Pan! We had our first trick-or-treating gig on Friday at Ben's work. Ben was excited when we got there because then everyone finally understood who he was dressed up as. All day long he had been asked if he was Waldo, Papa Smurf, or Santa Clause. Really?! I think he was spot-on for Mr. Smee....especially with his nice gut, which we decided was a good investment because almost every costume that Ben wears needs a little more gut than he ever has. The rest of us? I was Wendy, Skylar was Tigerlily (she got Pocahontas & Sacagawea most of the time), Nick was Captain Hook, Kade was Peter Pan (but he got Robin Hood repeatedly), & Alexis was our little Tinkerbell. We were definitely missing our little Michael, what we had planned Gabriel to be for his first Halloween.
As for taking the character personality on to a tee, Alexis wins this year. She pouted every time Tinkerbell had to get her hair done, insisting every time that I was doing it wrong. What would Tinkerbell be with out a little stubbornness?Since we hadn't gone to Cornbelly's for Fall Break, Skylar had decided she really wanted to check out Gardner Village's Witch Fest so we planned to go on Saturday. Poor Skylar wasn't feeling well so I don't think she was as excited as she thought she would be.But Kade absolutely loved it! He insisted on a picture with every single witch!

We had never been to the Witch Fest before. I was pretty impressed with all of the cool displays they had. It was super crowded though & since Skylar was sickly we didn't stay long.

We had a fun time....minus poor Skylar!
Then we headed over to Living Planet for a few minutes to check out the Haunted Rainforest we had heard they were having!
There were all sorts of spooky displays
The boys loved that that they got to watch a snake dining on a mouse. Pretty creepy!

But of course, the spookiest thing there was the pirhanas, which my kids always insist I see!

Freakiest.Animal.Ever.Have I mentioned I love having aquarium passes? We were able to go for less than an hour and have fun without having to pay a penny....the best kind of fun!

That night we went to our ward's trunk-or-treat. The kids loved being able to see their friends and going through the spook alley that the YM put on. It was a fun night!

On Halloween, the boys had their Halloween parade at school. These were the best shots I got of them....awesome.

I got to help out with Skylar's class party. Skylar insisted that we do the donut on a string thing for her class. They had a blast! They also did mummy wrapping with toilet paper....Sky's team won!
The weather was absolutely perfect for trick-or-treating. I even went the entire time wearing my very thin nightgown and not freezing! It was the perfect night!
My favorite part of trick-or-treating is seeing all the cool Halloween displays. I love the houses that go all out!
There's a family in our ward that absolutely loves Halloween and our kids absolutely love going to their house. They take the cake when it comes to Halloween fun! They always have a few games for the kids to play along with tons of loot....little toys, cupcakes, candy, and a soda. It's always the favorite stop!

Arrrr....Captain Jack & Captain Hook!
We had such a blast this year! Poor Nick was starting to feel sick...and you know a kid doesn't feel well if he wants to go home early from trick-or-treating...so we didn't stay out too late. He ended up being sick for three days after. Sad.
We had plenty of candy though! After we got home we loaded up all the candy that we got from our three candy gathering sessions. There was so much candy!! Skylar was stoked that her loot amounted to the jackpot line on her bag....that's been a goal of hers for years. Luckily, all that candy, with the exception of a handful, has been cashed in to the dentist we give it to every year who donates it to local charities. I guess all that trick-or-treat fun pays off when we can give back!

We love Halloween!! Happy Halloween!!

Pumpkins!

2011-11-04T15:46:00.024-06:00

We totally intended on supporting the pumpkin guy near our house this year but when we were ready to get pumpkins he wasn't selling them anymore! So off to Vineyard we went. The kids love going there for pumpkins!
The kids all wanted a really huge pumpkin....Skylar loved the ginormous seat pumpkin! Nick, however, just wanted a teeny one. After telling him he couldn't carve that small of one he begged for two. Since we got a super great deal we decided that would work.
The best little pumpkin that we took home...
On Sunday night, the night before Halloween, we finally got a chance to carve them!
We told the kids that we were just keeping the carving simple this year...just plain ol simple Jack-o-lantern faces instead of the intricate designs that we usually do that take us hours and hours. It still took forever, but the kids were pleased with their designs. The kids had begged for us to buy a pumpkin for Gabe. No one wants to ever leave him out. I decided to be brave and just carve his name in it. It turned out perfect!They looked awesome all lit up....
....especially Gabe's!!
Ben was nice and gave in to carving one pumpkin with a crazy design to go with our family theme. Of course, it was a big job. How dedicated was Ben to actually carve it in his suit because he needed to go do some EQ duties afterwards? That's my man...the best!
The finished product....awesome!

Fall Break

2011-11-04T15:45:00.049-06:00

We had a busy Fall Break! I let the kids all choose one activity for us to do (within reason and budget). Nick wanted to go to the aquarium, one of my favorites as well. Plus, it's free for us now! I'm so glad I got that annual pass! On Thursday we headed up for a couple of hours in the afternoon.

The kids always love watching the penguins. Then measuring themselves against the penguins.

Alexis and Nick are my brave kids when it comes to petting the rays there. They love it!

I love watching the Jellyfish!
The kids favorite thing is seeing themselves on the infra-red camera they have there in the Animal Superhero section. What a fun thing!
After the aquarium it was Kade's pick, which is always Trafalga. We usually don't make it to the Lehi one so we hit it on the way home. We didn't have time for a game of mini golf but since it was a nice day we decided we should take advantage of all of the outdoor rides they have there. We started with the bumper boat launchers.

Everyone got thoroughly soaked!! Some punk kid kept aiming right at my head and my hair was dripping when we got off....so were the kids!
We also hit the Tidal wave thing, the airplanes, and the carousel. It was short, but good enough to make Kade happy.

Ben took Friday off so that he could enjoy Fall Break with the kids too. We had some passes to Discovery Gateway Children's Museum that were about to expire so we headed up there for some fun.

Things are always more fun if Dad is there!

I guess sometimes Mom is fun too.
The kids got to a special craft class where they got to make masks.

The kids always love all of the things they can pretend to do at Discovery Gateway!

When were about done the Tongs called to tell us they were at the Clark Planetarium next door so we headed over to see them there.
The Tongs were going to see one of the movies there and we had planned on going to Cornbelly's, Skylar's choice for Fall Break. Everyone decided that they would much rather hang out with the Tongs than go to Cornbelly's (plus it was soooooo much cheaper) so we headed home and the Tongs came to our house after their movie. We had a fun night playing games & hanging out!

On Saturday my family got together for a Halloween party. We had all sorts of fun and spooky food to eat and then everyone put on their costumes. Ben and I were party poopers because our costumes weren't ready yet. Everyone else looked great!
Then we played the eat the donut off the string game. Look at Lex's pose as she gets ready to eat her donut...drama girl.

It is hilarious to watch! We had a fun time together!
On Sunday after church we took a drive around the Alpine Loop. It was beautiful up there! I think we were about a week late, as usual, but there was still so many beautiful leaves to see.

We forced the kids to get out of the car for one picture. It's starting to get chilly!

Okay, this next picture is like the worst ever of me...I hadn't gotten my Sunday nap and I was sleepy but Ben looks good and so does the background.Our kids are not huge fans of driving the loop but I make them do it every year because it's so gorgeous. They were so excited to get out of the canyon and even more excited to see this Halloween display that was really cool on the way home. They decided the whole ordeal was worth it in the end.

Another highlight (yeah, right) of our Fall Break was that Nick was the "lucky one" to get to take home his class guinea pigs home for the really long weekend. Ugh. I am not a fan of rodents....and I'm a fan of most pets. I have never personally had guinea pigs, but after a day I knew that we will never ever have them. They were so stinky and messy!! They also kept the kids awake at night and Ben so conveniently was allergic to them so I had to help with all of the guinea pig duties. Not fun.The good thing is that my kids decided they don't ever want to have guinea pigs as pets either! It was still fun for them to have the experience.
We had a fun Fall Break with the kids...they never last long enough though! I love my kids and love doing fun things with them!

Hiking to the G

2011-10-30T23:39:00.029-06:00

Later in the afternoon of October 15th we decided to finally get in our hike to the G. We had meant to go on Gabe's birthday but that was when I could barely walk so we had to put it off....and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rembrance Day seemed like the perfect day to finally get up to that G that reminds us of our little Gabriel.
Our friends, the Coxs (minus Heidi) joined us and we started on the trail. The crazy trail started out super steep and kept on almost the entire time and there weren't many chances to stop for a break along the way because the trail was so narrow and steep. I was DYING! Hiking a mountain after 3 months of basically barely even walking is hard! We couldn't see the G for most of it so we almost wondered if we were on the right trail. I was about to be really mad if we were on the wrong one! But it was there....Gabriel's G.As insane as the hike was, it was also afforded some amazing views of the lake and the valley below.
We made it! We made it!
Thanks to the Coxs who kept our brood in line and were patient with my slowness!

We stayed for awhile and watched as an amazingly beautiful sunset turned into one of the most stunning I've ever seen.After we got our sunset fill (Do I ever? I love the sunsets!) we headed down the mountain...in the dark!! I was so thankful we made it home safely!
I am so glad we got to finally hike up to Gabriel's G....and especially that we did it on a special day that we had set aside to remember him. It was awesome!!

Walk for Rembrance and Hope

2011-10-29T21:15:00.028-06:00

On October 15 for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day we went up to SLC for the Share Walk for Remembrance and Hope at Larkin Sunset Lawn. It was a beautiful day....yet hard to see so many people there that were missing their babies.

We ordered shirts for the whole family with Gabriel's name on them. When I told the kids that they were making shirts with the babies' names they all really wanted one. The shirts were so sweet & totally reminded me of my friend, Ashley's baby, Kingston, whose name is right there on it...and whose symbol is a snowflake.
"Each new life, no matter how fragile or brief, forever changes the world."
The main speaker was Mrs. Utah 2011, Tiffany Alleman. Her platform is Infertility, Pregnancy Loss, and the Gift of Motherhood. She has struggled with infertility and has had 5 miscarriages and only has two living children. I really loved everything she said. My favorite thing she said that I wish so many people would remember, " We don't move on as if something didn't happen because something did and someone did."

I had the chance to go up and talk with her afterwards and thank her. The girls and I got to get a pic taken....Skylar loves any chance to get a pic with royalty.

There was a short walk around the cemetery and then it was time to release balloons. We had brought our own because we're newbies and didn't know they had them already. I love that we did though because it was so fun to release so many.

The kids all got to send a little message to Gabriel on their balloons.

Then they read the names of each baby and the families sent their balloons towards heaven for them...it was beautiful!I'm so glad we went. I'm so thankful for all of the organizers that made this walk possible as a way to remember our precious babies. It was good to see some of my friends that I would've never known without our angel babies bringing us together....truly amazing women that I love. Often I feel as if no one really remembers our little Gabriel anymore...and days like this remind me that even if that's true, at least we remember...because he is very, very loved by all of us.

We love you precious baby boy! We hope you liked your balloons!! XOXOXO

Beautiful Heartbreak

2011-10-28T00:01:00.006-06:00

Today I was driving down the street alone and looked up at the G on the mountain....Gabe's G...and of course I thought of my baby boy. In that moment, I realized that I wasn't sad. I was thankful and happy. I'm so thankful for every single moment that I got to hold my baby boy in my body and then in my arms....and for the knowledge that someday I'll hold him in my arms again. I was happy because I get to be his mother and every single ounce of pain in missing him is worth it. Worth it, because it's also a beautiful thing.

Then I saw this....

....and it expressed exactly how I was feeling today.

I love you baby boy. Thank you for choosing me to be your momma and for helping me to see just how beautiful this all is.

Surviving September Soccer

2011-10-26T09:28:00.018-06:00

Somehow we did it....we survived the September soccer schedule! It was crazy! We had Skylar, Nick, & Kade all enrolled in soccer this year and that meant 3 practices and 6 games a week! Not to mention, that with Skylar's dance and me being in YW, we were running back and forth, all over, and going insane. The kids had a blast and I guess the craziness was all worth it! Their jersey numbers...5, 6, 5.This was Skylar's first year and she did so well, especially since she was out there with girls that have been in soccer for years. She really had a great time and was so excited to be on a team with her buddies, Mara & Nadia. With our crazy schedule I didn't get to see Skylar play that much, but she was always right in the game when I saw her. Go Sky!!

Nick loves soccer! He's not one of the aggressive players but he's always great at kicking the ball. He loved that his team had so many of his buddies on it....Oliver, Caden, Ryan, Carsen, & Owen!
Look how cute these three are....3, 4, 5!

Alright Nicky Duncan!!

Kade totally found his thing...soccer! He was all over the ball and definitely not afraid to get into the action. He also rocked at getting goals! I think he made 13 throughout the season! Woot Woot Kade!!

Of course I only caught one on film....
Kade loved having his buddy, Preston, on his team! Another bonus for Kade...Ben got to be his coach! Ben helped out with all of the kids' teams to an extent, but he was an official coach on Kade's which was way cool for him. Way to go Dad!!

Can I tell you how relieved I was when soccer was finished? I love having my kids involved and love going to watch them, but having all three of them in soccer was madness! I don't think we'll be doing that again...at least until May.

Our Rockin' 10 Year Old!

2011-10-20T22:43:00.040-06:00

Here we are with our 10 year old! 10 years!! Wow!! I still can't believe it!We celebrated Skylar's birthday as a family by going out to eat at Olive Garden and then opening presents. She got an alarm clock to go with her MP3 player so that she can now wake up to her music....and make us listen to her music! Seriously, we have a tween on our hands!!

So our little rockstar wanted nothing less than a rockstar birthday party! Ben made some pretty awesome invites for the party.....

The day after her birthday was her party. Skylar loved her 8th birthday party, but the thing she didn't like about it was that she couldn't invite boys, so of course plenty of boys were invited to this one, along with all of her girl friends. There were 20 kids at the party! Wowza!!

We started off the party with pizza and then we played freeze dance limbo. It was hilarious to watch!

Skylar had such a blast!!
Then we headed inside and the kids made rockstar bracelets.

Then we broke out the Rockband and took turns rockin' out.

The kids also danced the night away playing Just Dance. This game is so fun to watch! Those kids could shake it!

We opened presents and cracked open a pinata!

Then it was time for cake & ice cream. Skylar requested me to make ice cream cake & she also wanted it to be made to look like some kind of instrument....so I made the drums from Rockband...can you tell?

Skylar and her friends kept partying well into the night. I think she really, really loved her Rockstar party!!

This picture is just cool. These three boys, Donovan, Parker, & Jayme were Skylar's very first friends from the moment she was born. 10 year later they still are! We have so many memories of this past decade that include this group of kids!

Sweet Sky, I can't believe how quickly you grew up. You are becomming an amazing young lady (gasp!) and always have taught me the most important lesson...just to simply love life! I am so lucky to have you as my daughter!! Love you, love you, love you!!

Alexis Lou is No Longer Two

2011-10-18T22:11:00.038-06:00

Somehow I threw together a birthday party for Alexis Lou. She had some strong opinions about who she wanted to invite and what she wanted to do....that's Alexis for you. She decided she wanted to have a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse party and that only girls were invited! That's a first for us...usually our kiddos are not gender biased at all. For our 3 year olds' parties we always invite families of the kids' friends to come because let's face it, 3 year olds are tough & just don't quite get the whole party thing yet. We were watching the Tongs' kids a few days before Lex's party and she adamantly told Dono that he couldn't come to her party because he was a boy! It was hilarious!! Of course, we told her that it was okay that brothers could come to the party, because of course the Tongs were all invited! She decided that since Dono was Amy's brother, it would be okay. Good thing we figured that out before the big day!

We decided the best day for Alexis's party for everyone's schedule was on Sunday and I seriously only had like two days to get ready. Thanks friends for coming even with the late notice! I was seriously slacking on this party, but Alexis didn't notice. She was happy as could be that I just got a banner and balloons....isn't it great when they're still little enough to be happy with the simple things?

Alexis & her girly friends, Ane, Ellie, & Amy. Little beauties!!
We had hamburgers and "hot diggity dogs" and some more yummy food. It was the perfect night for a BBQ and hanging out with good friends.

We had cupcakes...Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse heads made from Oreos. They were delish!

Alexis was so excited about presents!
Then we had a pinata. Crazy stuff!
All the kiddos at the party. You know I have to say it...that's a lot of kids, Uncle Ed!!
Thanks to Grandma Cammi and Grandma & Grandpa Jensen for coming to celebrate Lex's birthday. Alexis is a goof, in case you didn't know.

On Alexis's actual birthday she started the day out with a special treat. She got to go to school with one of her favorite babysitters, Hannah! The Jr. high by our house has a class where the students bring in a preschool age kid to do some activities. Alexis had so much fun!After that, Alexis got to go to Joy school and later on to her dance class, two of her favorite things. It was a fun-filled day!We went out to eat at California Pizza Kitchen to celebrate as a family. Alexis practiced making three with her hand and loved the sundae they brought out for her.

We went home and ate more cupcakes and opened up presents for our sweet girl.

Alexis got the Cabbage Patch kid that I've been hiding for 2 years waiting to give her. I still have a special spot in my heart for them (I had/have 8 of my own!) but I wanted her to be old enough to appreciate it. It kind of looks like her with blue eyes and dark blonde hair and their outfits were even matching, according to Alexis. I think I was just as excited as she was!We had such a great time celebrating this precious little girl of ours. I can't believe she's already 3! She is definitely loved lots and lots by all of us and we're so thankful to have her in our family. Happy 3rd Birthday Miss Alexis!!!

September 11

2011-10-17T21:38:00.028-06:00

Every September 11 we try to make it up to Sandy to see the Healing Field of Flags so that we can remember those that died that day. There is nothing as humbling and staggering as seeing so many, many flags that each represent someone who was killed in the attacks on our country. The flags seem to go on and on. It was such a blustery day, but our kids were good sports for the most part, even though it was so windy that it was almost hard to stand up & we all got whipped in the face a few times from the flags!
One of my favorite things is reading each name card that tells about the people who died. It reminds me that these people had families that loved them and that each one of them mattered.

The September sisters....Alexis, 3 & Skylar, 10.

Sandy City had something new this year for the 10th Anniversary. It was an amazing statue of my most favorite image of that horrible day...one that showed triumph over such tragedy and showed that our nation would go on despite those who would like us to fall....the firefighters raising the flag. I love this new statue! I love our country and the wonderful freedoms we have. The field of flags is such a reminder that this freedom does not come without cost at times, and I'm thankful for the reminder to truly cherish it.

"The Death of a Dream"

2011-10-13T21:23:00.007-06:00

Studio 5 had a segment on infertility today. It was spot on to how I feel. Gotta love C. Jane.

A Weekend of Remembering

2011-10-12T15:15:00.003-06:00

On Friday....

On Saturday.....

The 16th annual
Share Parents of Utah
Walk for Remembrance and Hope

Saturday, October 15, 2011
1 pm
Larkin Sunset Lawn
2350 East 1300 South
Salt Lake City

October

2011-10-12T11:33:00.003-06:00

Don't Go Back to Mirror Lake....You Might Forget to Run Away

2011-10-06T21:17:00.056-06:00

Since we didn't get much camping in throughout the summer we decided that was our top thing to do for Labor Day weekend. We wanted to go somewhere really cool and decided it was time to take the kids to the beautiful High Uintas. We reserved a camp site at Mirror Lake Campground. We got out way later than we hoped and arrived way after dark. It was freezing!! You could see everyone's breath and since we didn't have a campfire going we didn't have a way to warm up. We hurried and set up our tent and just went to bed. We didn't sleep too great that night because we were so cold. It got down to 40 degrees at night!! So cold!! In the morning some of us were still too cold and sleepy to venture out of our sleeping bags. Who is that freaky looking person in the corner of this pic?We finally finished setting up camp in our teeny campsite and rested a bit and just enjoyed the great outdoors.

Later on we hiked down to Mirror Lake. What a beautiful area it is! The elevation is pretty high. The mountain behind us in these pictures is called Bald Mountain because there's not much vegetation on it because of the elevation. We didn't walk far but all the kids wanted shoulder rides from Dad. What a nice dad!

We had a fun little hike. Somewhere along the way we learned that we definitely have a tween that doesn't like lakes, to hike, or camp, or appparently take pictures with her mom anymore. How did this happen? Maybe she was just mad she didn't get a shoulder ride too. P.S. I told you I was putting this picture on my blog, Sky!!
After hiking around Mirror Lake, we drove around to look at all of the other little lakes up there. This was one our favorites, Butterfly Lake. The picture doesn't do it justice, but it is actually shaped like a butterfly.We headed back to our campsite to start a fire because we were already pretty chilly. We had fun playing games and hanging out by the warm fire....one of my favorite things about camping.

The stars up there were amazing to see. They were everywhere! We did a little night hike back over to Mirror Lake to check out the telescope and see if we could see anything cool through it. The moon was so cool! I don't think my kids have ever seen it through a telescope and they were all ooooing and aaahing that there were actual craters in it.

The girls...
The boys....
Me & my shnookums....
Of course we had to have some yummy campfire treats. S'mores are always a favorite & the kids are really digging the new chocolate marshmallows, but we also tried a new treat, campfire banana splits! Yummers! You can tell something is really good when it still is lingering on a kid's face the next morning. :)

The second morning when we woke up everyone was warm and cozy and much happier after actually sleeping pretty well during the night. The secret? Everyone had on two pairs of socks, two pairs of pajamas & two sweatshirts on over that! I had to include this picture of Alexis because it's so dang funny. She had this walking stick and would walk around with it whenever we were around camp. It was teeny though so she had to bend over to walk with it & she looked like this little old grandma. We were cracking up the entire time. She's such a cutie!!
Kade was begging to go back to Mirror Lake for a bit before we headed home. After packing up camp we headed over to the lake again. It was the most beautiful day.We started walking on the trail and before long realized that we might as well walk the entire lake. There were some parts that were kind of iffy on my foot and since we didn't plan on walking the whole thing we didn't bring water, but we survived. Kade was the only brave soul that ventured into the freezing cold water...but not much. It was an awesome hike!

Everywhere along the trail, we were followed by tons & tons of dragonflies. They were huge & so pretty! We love looking for dragonflies!! <3 Gabe <3
Beautiful Mirror Lake
We made a stop on the way home at the Provo River Falls. I love how cool looking these are!There's a section where you can walk out over the lower falls a bit. Scary!
We had such a good weekend getting away & enjoying the beautiful outdoors! I love camping and I love my family!!

2011-10-06T15:27:00.003-06:00

"Sometimes life seems very unfair—especially when our greatest desire is to do exactly what the Lord has commanded. "

~Elder Neil L. Anderson

Heading Back to School

2011-10-02T20:10:00.064-06:00

I know the whole back to school thing was over a month ago, but my laptop has been on the fritz and rarely working at all....even to the point where computer genius, Ben, doesn't know how to fix it...which means it's in dire straits. I've been forced to work around Ben using his computer, which is hard when he's on it a lot! Anyway, today in General Conference, Elder Quentin L. Cook said,

" We should be grateful for all the tender mercies that come into our lives."

So here's my tender mercy that I am so, so grateful for....my laptop decided it would work this weekend! This was perfect because it was Conference weekend and I could use it to take notes on all of the wonderful things that were spoken. I loved, loved, loved conference...but there will be more on that to come....if my laptop keeps working! As for now, I finally got this giant blog post done! So anyway......

I know most people love the whole back-to-school thing, but not me! I hate sending my kids back to school. I have so much fun with them throughout the summer and I hate to see it end. All of the kids are in school this year! Yikes! I am sooooo not liking this. I miss my babies so much when they're gone....and them being gone makes me especially miss that Gabe isn't here either. I'm so lonely.

My kids, however, LOVE school so they love going back to school! The big kids started a week before the little ones. They were so excited that they took off to school before I could even take pictures. Good thing they didn't get far so that I could call them back! They were so antsy in the pics because they just wanted to get to school!
Skylar is in 4th grade this year....finally one of the big kids in school!
Nick is in second grade this year!
Finally I let them take off to school! Since the little kids still had a week we decided we'd try to have a lot of fun just me and them. After the big kids took off the littles and I headed up to $2 Tuesday at Thanksgiving Point Farms. I used to take Sky & Nick there all of the time when they were little but they started getting bored with it so we haven't gone much in the last few years so my littles have kind of missed out. It was fun to go with them. As soon as we got there we headed over to the ponies and Kade posed for this pic right as the pony took a nip at his foot, which I caught on film. What a mean pony!Kade was okay, but needless to say, my kids kept their distance from the animals after that. They still had a fun time!

The only crazy thing about the farm was the line to ride the ponies. Seriously, insane! But the kids really wanted to, even after the pony biting Kade, so we waited in line for an entire hour until they finally got their chance. It was worth it to see how much fun they had. Alexis was laughing the whole time and Kade was all smiles!!
I loved going to the farm with my littles! We had one more chance to hit up 7 Peaks before it closed for the season. We met the Mailes, the Tongs, and even the Jensens for a bit. We had such a blast! After Ben got off work he headed down and even though it was a school night we decided to stay until closing...we had to squeeze out every ounce of swimming fun!!

If Kade could pick one thing to do it would be to go to mini-golfing. He absolutely loves it!! He's good too!! Is there some kind of junior mini-golf tour that he can go on? If the pass of all passes is good for one thing, it's that we save a ton of money on mini-golfing. So on the top of his list for his last week out of school was to go mini-golfing at Trafalga. Alexis loves going too!

My littles are my crazy ones with such silly personalites...but it's so much fun! They look even more crazy in these pics with glowing eyes from the black lights & my not-so-awesome-in-the-dark phone camera.We also took in a XD movie. These two are too cool!
Throughout the week we also met Ben for lunch, took a picnic lunch to the canyon, and played at the park.

As much as I wished it wouldn't come, the first day of school for the little ones finally came. They were both completely stoked! My sweet little kids...getting so big!Kade is finally in kindergarten!! I'm pretty sure he never thought this day would come after such a long wait!
Alexis is in her first year of Joy school! Ben came home from work so that he could see Kade go to kindergarten for the first time.Kade was super stoked to finally be there!
We're so excited that Kade got the best kindergarten teacher ever, Mrs. V! We love her!! Kade is so, so excited to have all of his buddies in his class! I'm sure that's one crazy class! Finally it was Alexis's turn to go to her first day of Joy school! I kind of hate sending her off so early (she was still 2 when she started!) but I know how much fun she will have at Joy school...and I'll still get to be with her every few weeks as her teacher....so it's not like she's completely gone. Plus, with a September birthday, she's still got three years before kindergarten, so I will get extra time with her. I still miss her incredibly when she's gone! Here's the Joy school group this year, minus one. Seriously, I took like 50 pictures trying to get them to look, but this was the best I got! What a fun group of kids! Every one is a first year except one so it will be kind of crazy with them being so little, but it will also be crazy fun!! They're all such sweet kids! So what does mom do now with all this free time that I really, really wish I was spending with a nine month old? Well, I've spent a couple of those days just crying (thanks friends that have been my shoulders to cry on!) and the rest I've tried to stay busy going to the temple, volunteering at the school, going to more doctor's appointments, and trying my best to stay occupied until I have my kiddies home again with me. I guess the extra time I have to do those things that I can't do with kids is good for me and I'm trying to do good things, but it's hard because I so wish that I didn't have the freedom to do those things. I guess it's time to get used to this life with big kids...I just am not ready to. I'm trying to remember the wise words of an apostle...

"Come what may, and love it." -Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

I'm not loving it so much, but I'm trying to make it bearable until maybe I can at least like it.

Happy Birthday Skylar D!!

2011-09-29T17:33:00.009-06:00

Somehow we made it here. I have no clue how. Skylar is now a decade old!! Double digits!! Almost a teenager!! Yikes!!

How did she go from our teeny bright eyed baby girl........to this in like 5 minutes?Skylar has always been our go-getter. She strives to do her very best in all she does and she loves to do everything she possibly can! She also excels in everything she does because she's just cool like that. She is one awesome kid & I am so lucky to be her mom!!

'Til that day you came along
My heart was empty
Like the soul was missing from a song
And I thought I'd loved a few
No one ever made me feel
The way that you do
Hey little girl
Look what you do
Oh, I love you
Hey little girl, Oh I love you

We love you little girl...even if you went and grew up into a big girl...you'll always, always be our little girl. Oh how we love you! Happy 10th Birthday Skooloo!!

Happy Birthday Alexis Lou!!

2011-09-20T17:10:00.005-06:00

The last three years have been the hardest of my life. It feels as if we've had trial after trial and disappointment after disappointment. But three years ago today Heavenly Father gave us the most amazing blessing to help us get through all of this...our sweet Alexis. What a precious girl we have in her. She is so sweet and loving and always happy and a total goof. She has brought so many smiles to my face when I didn't think it was even possible to smile. We have been so blessed with our little earthly angel.
I've got an angel
She doesn't wear any wings
She wears a heart that can melt my own
She wears a smile that can make me wanna sing
She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home.

Thank you for changing our lives with that beautiful smile of yours Louie!! We love you more than you can even begin to imagine. Happy 3rd Birthday Little Lex!!!!