Tuesday, July 31, 2012

GratiTuesday....I'm back (somewhat)!

Today I'm thankful to be physically back into the swing of things. My miscarriage has taken me so long to get through but I am finally feeling okay (physically, at least). This has definitely been harder physically than even Gabriel's loss was because I did it all naturally. It took over 7 weeks for my pregnancy hormone levels to drop but they've finally gone down and I feel normal....empty, but normal. We're still waiting for results on my blood tests to see if there is any clue to why I've lost these babies but there might not be any answers. The boringness was doubled when I was stuck in bed after my foot shot, but it's doing it's job now and my foot is nice and numb.

      Last week I was off to Girls' Camp where I did a tiny bit of hiking and even some boating. This week it's been nice to finally be able to say yes to my kiddos when they want to do normal summer things like swimming and such. Emotionally, I don't know if I'll ever get used to getting out and seeing all the pregnant bellies and wishing mine was still holding our precious little Reese. I can't help but ache knowing we were so close to having him, so close to the blessing of the joy of a baby in our family and home again.

    It's been hard to go through this over the summer again. I feel as if the last three summers have been so hard for our family. Two years ago we lost Gabriel. Last year I crushed my foot. Then this year we lost Reese. I love summer and all I want to do is spend every single second making memories with my little ones while they get to be mine all day long. Although we had a very rocky start to summer, I'm so grateful and glad that we still have some time left to have some fun. We've got the entire next three weeks planned out to get everyone's summer bucket list crossed off until that darn thing called school begins again. I can't wait for more summer fun with my fantastic four! However, I wonder if I'll always get shocked by the moments I feel like this for the rest of my life.....
 Sigh. We miss you babies!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

GratiTuesday....Faith in Waiting

This morning I'm stuck in bed with a migraine and foot pain....my yearly neuroma shot always kills the day after getting it and I can barely bear weight on it! My kids are loud and I've banished them from my room for a bit until their voices stop feeling like hammers on my head.

I've been trying to think of my grateful today and it just wasn't coming. I'm not grateful for the migraine. I'm not thankful for my foot pain...actually my neuroma foot hurts less than my crushed tendon foot (yes, it's been an entire year! Stupid foot!!). I'm not grateful for the ache in my heart, never able to forget the milestones I'm missing....Gabriel being 18 months old this last week and me being 20 weeks with Reese. I'm not thankful that I feel so entirely alone in this journey again because no one can truly understand this. I'm not grateful that my prayers seem so unanswered right now...that I don't feel my Heavenly Father there or His love. But enough of my ungrateful ramblings. That's not what this post is about. This post was about finding my grateful for the day.

 I was trying to think and then remembered that I am grateful for inspiring words that I could read from my phone at my 5 am insomnia stint that made me want to get up and out of bed this morning (even when I can't physically!) and plug on in this journey of enduring to the end....hopefully with patience. Those words were from Robert D. Hales Oct. 2011 talk, Waiting Upon the Lord.

    I've had many times where I've had to ask "O God, where art thou?" I've wondered where He is because I haven't felt His love or His blessings as of late. I had to give a lesson on prayer in my YW class a week ago. I really struggled with it. I actually went to talk to my bishop right before my lesson and asked him how I could teach this lesson when my faith in Heavenly Father hearing my prayers was wavering. He advised me to tell the girls just that....that sometimes it feels as if your prayers are unanswered....and sometimes that is the most lonely feeling in the world. He told me that one day one of the girls in my class is going to struggle with unanswered prayers and maybe they will think back to how I was still able to go on in faith despite my hurt. That's what I'm trying to do and honestly, I don't know how not to, because I truly do believe that my Heavenly Father is there even if I don't feel Him. So I told the girls about my struggle to accept that my prayers for my sweet little Reese were answered differently than I expected....that they weren't answered on my time or in the way I wanted. I did get to have our much prayed for and desired baby after a long wait and he is okay, but just not the way I ever would've wanted it. I cried. They cried. I told them all I can do is have faith that some day my prayers will be answered...and it might not be here in this life, so I just need to strive to be patient. In the end, I think I did okay and I hope that someday that lesson I taught will bless one of those girls in their struggles.

   I still struggle though. As much as I know that Heavenly Father has blessed me in the past and I honestly know that He continues to bless me every day with everything that I am given, I still feel very unloved and forgotten by Him. I feel so lost as to what direction He wants me to go in life right now. I still feel that my prayers have been unheard.  I know He has a plan, but I don't understand it and feel so lost without knowing where to go. It's so hypocritical of me, I know. Like Robert D. Hales says, "We will still find it challenging to wait upon the Lord, especially when we cannot fully understand His plan and purposes for us."

Going along with that, Ben shared this quote with me.....
"Of all the hardships a person had to face, none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting."
-Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns

It's true. It's so hard to wait to know what comes next, especially being the way I am, a planner. I don't feel content to just wait right now but don't have any choice. I constantly wonder what the future holds for our family. We thought Gabriel was our last baby until we lost him. Then our hearts ached for more. Now we've lost an early pregnancy and and yet again another baby, our little Reese. Our hearts still ache for more. We still long to have the joy and happiness that a sweet fresh spirit from heaven would bring to our family by being in our home. I actually got a priesthood blessing from my bishop after my early miscarriage and he said that we would have babies to raise in the Millenium but that we'd also have more babies to raise here on earth. I thought our little Reese was that baby to raise on earth, but he's not. I've had so many tell me that doesn't mean that the promise of more on earth from that blessing is not going to come to fruition, but I've had a hard time trusting in it, especially when I've had a few naysayers that have told me it's basically time to take a hint and give up. It is so scary to think of putting us and our kids through the chance of losing another baby, but it's also scary to think of not ever having the joy of another baby either. Skylar told me she just knows we'll have more because I was blessed with that. I told her to have faith for both of us. I know what the tiniest bit of faith can do, so I will try to have it too.

Robert D. Hales went on to say, "We may not know when or how the Lord’s answers will be given, but in His time and His way, I testify, His answers will come. For some answers we may have to wait until the hereafter. This may be true for some promises in our patriarchal blessings and for some blessings for family members. Let us not give up on the Lord. His blessings are eternal, not temporary."

  The one thing I do know is that we have been extremely blessed to have 4 children to raise here on earth and 2 to raise later.....these blessings are eternal....so I can wait, even if some days it seems entirely too hard. What a precious gift all of my children are to me....even if some of them are so loud I have to kick them out of my room sometimes.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

GratiTuesday

Today I'm thankful for friends that still talk to me and still care at a time when I feel like there are so few. I'm especially thankful for a sweet friend that never forgets any of my babies, who counts them as my children, and who calls them by name. She never changes the subject if I bring up my babies and in fact she brings up my babies and talks about them like they are just a part of our family. I love that she cares about them too. She gave me this necklace the other day that represents all of my six kids. I love it!! It is truly a gift that I will cherish forever, not because it's something she bought for me, but rather because of its meaning....the fact that she doesn't forget any of my babies, when so many seem to want me to.

"The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.

If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of her name.
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul."


Thursday, July 5, 2012

Thankful Thursday

Today I woke up to the sweet smell of rain....one of my favorite smells....completely exhausted after celebrating Independence Day.....one of my favorite holidays....and I was so thankful for that rain and so thankful for the opportunity to live in such a wonderful country. As I laid in bed, listening to the rain, and trying to get up enough energy to drag my hiney out of bed (I was up at 4 am yesterday and had a bout of insomnia last night from 4:45-6ish. so it took a bit!!), I came across this quote in my morning reading (KSL, FB, Twitter, etc.) and it deserves my most thankful of all today:

"Look ahead and remember that faith is always pointed towards the future." ~Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

More inspiration here!

Although I feel I'm at a place where I feel so lost and confused at what Heavenly Father's plan is for me and our family, I know that there is a plan....and better yet, I know it's a good plan filled with happiness beyond measure. Even though the last few years have been hard and losing my babies has been the most difficult thing I ever could've imagined having to face, I know that the future holds so much promise and so much happiness. I'm looking forward to it with faith.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

GratiTuesday

Today I just want to lock myself in my room and cry all day.....because all week long I've forced myself to get out of bed every day and be a part of the world, despite the pain it brings. I know the best thing to do is to get out and about and "move on" as so many would think I should, but I feel like I can't go anywhere or do anything without my heart being ripped open again and again as I see all the people out there with their big round bellies, or their babies in their arms, or their families looking so complete. I know I don't know complete strangers' stories, so I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and think that maybe they are finally pregnant after a long battle of infertility, or that they are holding their precious rainbow babies in their arms, or that maybe they've just gone through some horrible trial and that baby was their first hope at happiness again. But then I just ache to think that I was so close to that....my rainbow baby was there one day.....and just gone the next...and I can't help wondering why I didn't get blessed to keep him? Why couldn't my family have these blessings of these babies now instead of having to wait, yet again, for this blessing that we've waited for, prayed for, fasted for, and ached for? I know there are no answers in this life, but some days it just aches incredibly to have to go through this pain again. I know that there's blessings in this though....if I'm patient and endure. It's hard to think of doing that some days though for even one more moment let alone a lifetime.....but I know they are there so I guess I just have to endure. I know what a blessing it is to have my babies waiting for me, but right now those blessings in disguise are hard to be patient for when I have this incredible ache to hold them and have them now. I've been studying the gospel about patience and praying for it to endure all of this, because there's really nothing else I can do. Today, I'm thankful for those blessings that are promised someday if I have faith and endure to the end. But there are days that I have to agree that I'm also beyond ready for some blessings that aren't in disguise either.